lifeInverted

Not bloggling as much, but paying for flickr

2009-03-04T20:59:00.002-05:00

So, as noticed, i haven't written many blogs recently.
no big loss to either the internet or the literary community.
i may start again soon, i've been meaning to.
anyway. i bought a flickr pro account when i realized that i'm taking too many pictures and i'm kinda sick of the google photos interface.
fuck folder, i heart tags.
so.
i went through the pictures folder on one of my computers and upload a shitton.
some are better than others, others are better than those.
check them out.
http://flickr.com/photos/lifeinverted/

update your phonebooks

2009-02-21T17:20:00.000-05:00

George: hey matt
484 354 5567
who's number is this?

Matt: thats by old cell phoen
fprom filly

George: hahahahahahaha
so i emialed that #
"Im going to kill you and violate ur corpse"
that number just replied back

Matt: hahahahhha
fucking a right

George: "who the fuk is this? dont let me find out who u are asshole"

Matt: nice
dont visit philly any time soon

George: hahahaha
that guy can eat my poo

Participationsmarticipation

2008-11-09T22:50:00.002-05:00

So it's been forever since i posted here... mostly because most of my recent pieces have been dedicated to this other group in here and mostly because i'm lazy... but this brings up the point of my post.
i'm involved in a few group projects right now, all very modern-like where we are geographically diverse people working on a project together with the premise that we'll actually do more and be more dedicated because you aren't just doing it for yourself, you are doing it for everyone in the group... when stuff is done, there has been great feedback and encouragement from all involved... the problem being, stuff just isnt being done... people will read the replies and judge the submissions but rarely post any of their own stuff. this has happened before.. most notably (for me) with http://checkoutthisband.blogspot.com... at the beginning we had a bunch of people contributing, commenting and i was learning about great new bands (that i now count among my favorites: The Thermals, Califone, etc) but then participation dropped off and i quickly found myself being the only one posting without even getting feedback on my meager posts... the quality of the posts began to suffer and the became less and less frequent... CTOB died. i guess i could always start posting on it again, but i won't.
i love these current projects i am involved in and dont see them dying (for me) anytime soon... when talking to the other members of these groups (or potential members) they LOVE the idea and wax ecstatic about the potential for such a group. then they dont contribute. then i dont feel like contributing.
so..
for anyone reading, what do you suggest? how do you encourage participation without becoming a nag... how do you keep yourself motivated when the proposed source of your motivation doesn't show? Alas.
I'll post some of my recent art soon to get back on a happier note

Turkey Shirt

2008-06-29T23:35:00.001-04:00

Turkey Shirt
Originally uploaded by anaxolotl

So it's been a while since i made a shirt and mau has been telling me i owe her one for a bit... and this is conceptually, TOTALLY hers. If you cannot tell, this is the famous gradeschool hand turkey put into a single color and based on an adult hand. I love the concept of it and the execution.. It could either be a turkey or a hand immediately after a hammer to the thumb... anyway.. unfortunately, it looks a little inappropriate (according to mau) when worn... apparently it looks like a giant grope.
can it be used like that? i think so.
grope.

mattWear 5 - Bill Hicks (on a SHIRT!)

2008-05-12T23:40:00.002-04:00

I really like this piece. Too bad I gave it to Peep. Hopefully this will start my Chicago following and many orders from the greater midwestern metro area

Altruism Work Three

2008-05-04T21:31:00.003-04:00

After narrowly missing out on the first two altruistic works, Hater got the third. I really like how the piece came out besides the fact it is disturbing as fk. It really wasn't supposed to be so dark but at least i learned a lesson about planning a painting while both parties are drunk:

m: what do you want? a cucumber?
ht: Liquor!
m: whiskey?
ht: Yes! and Hillary Clinton!
m: how about a fetus?
ht: YES!
m: and scissors!
ht: RUNNING WITH SCISSORS.

Anyway... here it is.. oh, and if you want the next altruism work, let me know, my queue is finally empty

i htink i have to get away from these constantly orange backgrounds

mmm blue fetus.. kinda sick.. i really was doing it only to contrast with the background

um.. no canvas left, yay!

i was proud of the fact i could paint words with a brush

fkd up the background and had to add the red shading.. i told hater that it was on purpose.. to symbolize the "womb" we were all living in

Ho(t)y(w)ing(s)

2008-05-02T22:57:00.003-04:00

From Ho(t)y(w)ing(s)

For braincube: bring the wings to the west coast!
So, long ago i lived in upstate ny. It had snow, Genny Cream Ale and hot wings. I never really thought about how good they were until I moved to Philly and sampled the local "wings." Things only got worse when i moved to NJ. I started experimenting trying to get something that was beyond edible. Then i bought a deepfryer and i got serious about it. Well, i think i exceeded the deliciousity (as well as texture) of my childhood wings. Well, here is how you do it:
Note: All measurements are completely estimated. No measuring was done.

Defrost the wings completely! (Dammit, be patient, i leave them in a bowl of cold water with the faucet running more cold water into it).
Dry them very well. (They should still be refrigerator-cold.)
Create your flour mixture to dredge the wings. (note: i've spiced this before, and haven't really noticed a difference in the end flavor) Ingredients:
- 3/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 1/2 cup of corn meal
- 3 Tbsp sugar
- 1 Tsp salt
Make sure the wings are dry and dredge them with the flour mixture
Heat your deep fryer to 375dF (that's as high as mine goes). While it heats, put the coated wings in the fridge.
Make the sauce by mixing the ingredients well. Note: These are very loose estimations.. adjust them to taste:
- 1 1/2 tablespoons garlic powder
- 2 teaspoons chili powder
- 1 teaspoon cumin
- 1 teaspoon black pepper
- 1 tablespoon olive oil
- 1/3 cup Frank's Red Hot
- splash Worcestershire sauce
- 1/2 teaspoon mustard
- 1/4 cup vinegar (or amount necessary to create consistency in picture)
- 1/4 teaspoon of your hottest hot sauce
- 2 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
- ketchup to thicken and cut vinegar-taste
Fry as many wings as you can fit in a single layer in the deepfryer basket for 7-8 minutes (wings should float). This will seem like it is longer than necessary but nothing is worse than wings that are tasty on the outside with salmonella on the inside.
when they are done, i put them on a cookie sheet over a baking pan in the oven (@ ~275df) so they can stay hot and the oil can be fully absorbed (see picture in album). Repeat the last step until you've fried all your wings.
leaving the most recently fried wings for last (so they can absorb the oil) toss the wings in the same groups that you fried them in with the sauce. Toss: big metal bowl + wings + sauce and flip the wings like you are flipping a stirfry until they are evenly coated
Use all the sauce for the wings (this made 18 wings) and then eat until you explode.

See the Picasa album for picture style directions. Ho(t)y(w)ing(s)

Vegan Food Reviews: Boca Bratwurst

2008-04-28T21:46:00.003-04:00

I've enjoyed mocking the average vegan foods so much that i'm quite disappointed to review Boca's Bratwurst. They're fcking good. Maybe it is because your average sausage, even when made of animal, rarely resembles something that that was once loved by its mother. Loved before it was cruelly bashed over a head with a hammer, its throat slit and a rabbi was enlisted to say a short prayer.
Anyway, because they were able to make tofu of varying densities (such realistic gristle!) they were able approximate the average sausage. There is a bit of that tell-tale grittiness that seems to occur in most fake meats but other that, it's spot on. It doesn't even have that famous latex-condom-like casing that not-dogs are so famous for. Ugh. i just vomited a bit.
Anyway, aside from the cost, these are pretty great and don't even grill up badly... there isn't even the large, black heating boils that you may see in other products (i'm looking at you tofupups)

The Vegan Experiment Week 5

2008-04-27T20:12:00.003-04:00

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 27
Breakfast: Bagel and peanut butter, Dinner: 2 Boca-brats and tater tots
178.2 lbs 15% Body Fat

Day 28
Lunch: Jalepeno Chips and Rosemary and Olive Oil Chips PostLunch: 10 Vegetable Gyozo Dinner: General Tsao's Tofu
181.4 lbs 17% Body Fat

Vegan Food Review 2 - Vegan Gourmet Cheese Alternative

2008-04-25T18:48:00.003-04:00

Well I was unsurprised how uncheese like something labeled "Cheese Alternative" was. There was something reminiscent of the flavor of cheese (Monterey Jack Flavor) in there.. then again, you could say the same thing about a thin slice of shortening. In 18 point font it promises "It Melts!"
It doesn't.. at least after being left on a heating boca burger for 20 minutes or after a minute or two of microwaving. Regardless of heating, or time in the fridge, it has the consistency of regular firm tofu and a slightly crumbly texture when chewed.
All that being said.. with enough bourbon in your bloodstream as well as a hunger that can only be born of a month of veganism.. you can imagine that it could be a dairy product. and consistency-less, mostly flavorless dairy product. It actually adds something wonderful to the average boca burger, so i'll continue to rock it for the month.. but i suggest you never do.

From the website (www.imearthkind.com), here is a fan review... apparently, vegans are all high as shit and have no concept as what cheese should be like:
Some comments from our customers:

".....I have been vegan for over 13 years and have tried every vegan cheese I could find. Most of them were terrible. Until I came acrosss your cheese a couple years ago and now that it is sold on the west side, I can have easy access to it. I just wanted say I hope you have great success because I LOVE your cheese. I sometimes put it on sandwiches, make a grilled cheese or my favorite thing to do is to make delicious vegan tacos."

Road's End Shells and Chreese

2008-04-21T18:57:00.004-04:00

Road's End Chreese Site
I really didn't expect these to be so bad as i thought of all the pounds of reconstituted powdered cheese that i had eaten over the years that had been produced by Kraft.
First of all, as you can see by the box: it states very clearly "Vegan." Well, by the time you get to the third item in the directions, they are telling you to add 1/4 cup of milk product. Having sworn off soy milk and not having read the directions before i got home, i didn't know what to do. I just assumed that something labeled "vegan" wouldn't ask you to add milk at any point. If you are going to be a vegan meal, figure out a way to make it so your customer only has to add water or something. anyway.. i approximated milk by mixing olive oil, water and salt.
i followed the directions and .. well it smelled like ass.
not cheesy ass... just plane stank. after a bit more heating, it did get a bit of a melty cheese texture.. but the stank never went away. Flavor? almost none. not bad flavor, just none.
well.. after a bit of franks red hot, cumin, garlic and salt, the smell was overcome and it ended up tasting like red hot and garlic (!).
soo.. it ended up not being bad. it was like slightly old pan of normal mac and cheese that was flavored with a 1/2 cup of red hot.
End Score 4 out of 10 tofu beasts

The Vegan Experiment Week 4

2008-04-21T18:50:00.004-04:00

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 20 (Vegan with fake Meats Begin!)
Lunch Boca Bratwurst with soy fake cheese on pitas. A side of shells and not cheese sauce. Dinner: Tofurkey

Day 21
Lunch: jalapeño chips Dinner: General Tsao Tofu
177.4 lbs 16% body fat
General Feeling: mondays make m cry

Day 22
Lunch: miso soup, yaki soba sans chicken Dinner: two boca burgers with soy monterey jack and fake bacon
178.6 lbs 16% body fat
General Feeling: sad and overworked

Day 23
Lunch: rosemary and olive oil chips Dinner: garlic chips
176.2 lbs 15% body fat
General Feeling: silly drunk to they point of not being able to control what i say

Day 24
Lunch: vegetable wrap with cucumber, lettuce, sprouts and carrots Dinner: two boca burgers with vegan gourmet cheese alternative and smart bacon (fake shit)
177.0 lbs 16% body fat
General Feeling: drunk and sated

Day 25
Lunch: rosemary and olive oil chips Dinner: two boca burgers with vegan gourmet cheese alternative and smart bacon (fake shit)
178.2 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: happy for fridays

Day 25
Lunch: homefries PreDinner: Bourbon, Dinner: vegetable curry of some sort, Post-dinner: Bourbon
General Feeling: i don't remember. my liver aches

Elijah v. Veganism

2008-04-20T15:43:00.004-04:00

Take this how you want and believe what you want, but i didn't eat meat yesterday because i had any unavoidable desire for it. Yes, i am very bored with this full-on dietary veganism, but that wasn't enough justification for me to eat meat. I went to my house to have passover dinner, so i did. Brisket and all.

After a discussion with mau, she agreed that i had proven whatever i needed at this level, so i decided that for fun, i'll start at the next level--the level that involves fake meats. After a short trip to whole foods i now have:
Tofurkey, Boca Bratwursts, some type of chicken nuggets, tofu taco "meat", soy "cheese" Monterey Jack Cheese and some Shells and "cheddar" mac and "cheese." When i get the chance, i'll review these individual assaults on god.

The Vegan Experiment Week 3

2008-04-13T23:22:00.007-04:00

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 13
Lunch: salsa and tortilla chips Dinner: tofu nd noodles in yellow curry
179.4 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: still a bit hung over

Day 14
Lunch: salt and pepper chips, Pre-dinner: salt and pepper chips and blue tortilla chips Dinner: general tsao tofu, vegetable spring roll, chive pancake
179.2 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: sick and tired of tofu

Day 15
Lunch: Falafels and Hummus Dinner: tortilla chips and salsa
180.2 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: bored with food and really not any healthier

Day 16
Lunch: Jalepeno Chips and Salt and Vinegar Chips Dinner: Garlic Fries, Post-Dinner: Some sort of leftover tofu and asparagus chinese dish
179.4 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: drunk and bored

Day 17
Lunch: Rosemary and Olive Oil Chips Dinner: Fried Potatoes and Tofu with Red Hot
177.6 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: drunk and tired and bored

Day 18
Lunch: Rosemary and Olive Oil Dinner: Couscous and tofu in BBQ sauce and salt potatoes
176.4 lbs 16% body fat
General feeling: So done with this (being vegan isn't amusing any more.. just boring and a pain in the ass)

Day 19
Lunch: Pistachios and chips and other snacks Dinner: gifilte fish, matzo, kugel and brisket (it was passover at my parents)
179.0 lbs 16% body fat
General feeling: very full of course but i was surprised my body didnt react violently to the reintroduction to meat (even if it was a relatively small amount)

The Vegan Experiment Week 2

2008-04-07T22:18:00.015-04:00

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 6
Breakfast: 3 Hashbrowns, Peanut butter on Toast, Dinner: rice noodles and tofu in soy sauce
180.0 lbs 15% body fat (weight taken ~10pm)
General Feeling: Drunk and Tired

Day 7
Lunch: Salt and Vinegar Chips, Dinner: Tofu and Pasta with tomato sauce and red hot. Post Dinner: Pickles
180.2 lbs 17% body fat (weight taken ~10pm)
General Feeling: Googly Eyes

Day 8
Lunch: Jalapeño Potato Chips, Pre-dinner: Tortilla Chips, Dinner: Tofu and Pasta with a horrible homemade thai peanut sauce (note: red hot does not belong in all recipes).
179.0 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: Not hungry anymore... my muscles are kinda sore.. like i worked out yesterday. Yesterday i walked between my bed and the futon

Day 9
Lunch: Tofu Soba, General Tsao Chicken from Veggie Heaven (fking amazing!)
179.2 lbs 16% body fat
General Feeling: very not hungry, tired, not sore at least

Day 10
Lunch:fettuccine and pesto, Dinner: bourbon, Post dinner: Tofu and pasta with horrible homemade thai peanut sauce (note: red hot does not belong in all recipes (even after a night of refrigeration), a box of triscuts
178.6 lbs 16% body fat (weight taken at 12:40 am)
General Feeling: drunk and ravenous

Day 11
Lunch: Salt and Vinegar Chips, Predinner: Pickle, Dinner: Tofu and Pasta drenched in redhot and vinegar!
179.6 lbs 15% body fat (weight taken at 12:40 am)
General Feeling: drunk and ravenous

Day 12
Lunch: Triskets Predinner: Pickle, Pitas and Hummus Dinner: thai red curry tofu (it was like a pound of tofu)
180.8 lbs 15% body fat (weight taken at 5:10 pm)
General Feeling: graceful like a baby gazelle

The Vegan Experiment Week 1

2008-04-02T19:14:00.010-04:00

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 1
Lunch: Tofu Pad Thai, Dinner: Pasta and Tomato Sauce
182.8 lbs 18% body fat
General Feeling: Crappy and Tired
Day 2
Lunch: Jalapeño Potato Chips, Tofu and Rice Noodles in Soy Sauce and Sesame Oil
180.0 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: Hungry and Tired
Day 3
Lunch: "Salad" (Spinich, Carrot, Bell Peppers), Dinner: Garlic Fries, Post DInner: Tofu and pasta in Basil and Garlic
179.6 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: Really Hungry and Nic Fitty
Day 4
Lunch: A shitton of tortilla chips and salsa, Nopalitos Burrito and a Guacamole Burrito (no cheese), Dinner: Tofu and Israeli Couscous
181.0 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: Always hungry but damn sexy regardless of the fact i regained weight
Day 5
Lunch: Hummus and Pita, Salsa and Chips, Dinner: Hummus and Pita, Falafel Wrap
183.6 lbs 16% body fat (weight taken after dinner and drinks ~11pm
General Feeling: Drunk and Tired

mustache March Ends, Vegan April Begins

2008-04-01T19:21:00.006-04:00

As a joke, i began inviting participants into mustache march. god knows what happened but the next thing i knew i had made it through the mockery and facial hideousness that come with a month of mustaches.

Unfortunately, march ends on april 1st. April Fools Day.

You know what is funny, vegans. That'll be my joke this year.

Damn, you don't think i can do it!? i just made it though mustache march, i can do anything. fuck. no animal products? yeah. i can do it.

stupid, stupid m.

So here are the rules: i have no illusions that i will be able to fully do this.. so i'll do my best. there are many levels of vegetarianism, peaking somewhere near veganism.. (note, i'm skipping the wearing no animal products phase as i don't want to buy new clothes. also, i'm cooking my food. fking raw food vegans)

I'll start off as a vegan and do my best to keep with it.
As I fail, i'll move up the foodchain and become slightly less of a vegetarian and work to stay at that level.

Vegan (Not eat any animal products or animal derivatives: Meat, Fish,
Vegan who wants meat (a vegan diet with fake meats and cheese)
Dairy, Eggs, Gelatin)
Lacto vegetarian (allow milk products)
Lacto-ovo vegetarian (allow milk and egg)
Pescetarian (allow fish)
Pollotarian (allow chicken)
Jewarian (allow beef, but no pork of shellfish)
No-Red Meatarian (everything but beef)
Failurian (eat as i do now)

i'll not be an asshole vegan. (in restaurants, i will not complain about the lack of vegan foods and will not ask for anything beyond the removal of cheese or egg (and of course i'll not order the meat based items))
Aside from while at home where i can easily look at ingredient lists, i'm going to use basic logic to decide whether a food is vegan compliant.. i won't ask the poor server to lookup the animal content of a food
Booze is not an animal product
I'll document my weight, body fat percentage and general feeling of health each day as well as my best recollection of what i ate.

I think that is everything.. let me know if you think i forgot anything or if you want to make generally disparaging remarks.

Starting stats: 182.8 lbs, 18% body fat, I generally feel crappy and tired
Meals: Tofu Pad Thai and Pasta with Tomato Sauce

Altruism Work Two

2008-03-27T23:05:00.003-04:00

So i actually completed this painting in the first week of March and i was hoping to give it to the recipient before he saw it here. Well he is a lazy fk and i haven't traveled to the city recently, so it's time to post it. In all honestly, it's mostly because i completed the third altruism piece tonight and don't want to get too far behind.

I wanted to do a dragon for him using real basic shapes and mostly flat colors... he gave me the colors (and i'm really happy how they came out). (oh, and the background has a wicked texture that you can't see real well in the picture.) I found i had a big empty space that killed the balance so i had to add another element... what goes better with a dragon than a bunny?
Go me.

The edges are looking weak already and i'm realizing i have to do something to better define them.

Sexy foot. And most of the flat colors are laid down

what you may not realize here is that it took me 35 minutes to mix the blue-black for the eyebrows

And the finished product... i didn't intend the bunny to look so relaxed yet frightened

mattWear 4 - Gibbard

2008-03-17T22:41:00.002-04:00

Feelign guilty for mau a shirt and not giving myself the same gift, i created another one.. trying a bit more of a difficult stencil that required a lot more imagination while finding lines of contrast.. i was searching for a good picture of David Bazan but found this one of Ben Gibbard that i liked a lot more... here was the original:

and the shirt:

mattWear 3 - MauWear!

2008-03-17T22:39:00.002-04:00

As my drawers are already too full and shirts are the bulk of the problem (still sporting that Hum Shirt fro 1997) i decided to make a shirt for mau. After multiple attempts a tracing various bearded dragons and two headed llamas, i went for my first freehand stencil. So.. here is the first in a series of shirts that will be dubbed mauWear

mattWear - Mustachio'd Man 2

2008-03-14T23:59:00.003-04:00

Inspired by my recent gift of freezer paper, i decided to attempt another shirt. "ahh but what subject," i pondered as i stroked my thickening mustache...

mattWear - Mustachio'd Man Shirt

2008-03-08T14:39:00.002-05:00

Got a bit more comfortable with the idea of cutting out stencils... unfortunately, shortly after snapping this pickture and letting it dry, it appears most of the paint has soaked into the shirt, leaving a "suble" "washed out" image on the front of my breast. alas.. i still like the design though..

experimental patience

2008-03-04T13:41:00.001-05:00

Apparently my initial guess was correct and my patience got in the way. After a long ass period of time, the tea did begin to seep and now I have a tea colored, cold beverage.

Cheers.

I’m the best scientist ever

Experiment of the day.

2008-03-04T12:55:00.000-05:00

No time to go buy hot water downstairs so I just threw a teabag in my
cup of cold water assuming that temperature can't be that important in
seeping tea. Maybe hotter=faster, but its gotta work no matter what the
temperature, right?
Well. So far no. so now I have a cold glass of water with a tea bag in
it. I should have been a little scientist when I grew up.

It's Too Early to Share

2008-03-03T08:48:00.000-05:00

It is officially 8:13 in the morning, a good ten minutes into my day and
i am currently suffering through a harrowing tale of bowel torment from
the lady in the cube across from me. There are certain key phrases that
help you to realize that no, you do not want to be regaled with any part
of the narrative. The line that did it for me just minutes ago:
"Yeah, i popped four Immodium and it didn't do squat."
Dear cube lady: This is not a business appropriate conversation.
Addendum: as i finish writing this, she has begun telling the story to
a second coworker (from the beginning).
Additional bonus line:
"Yeah, i'm still running, but it's not nearly that bad"
[m shakes fist angrily at monday]

MattWear 1 - TreeShirt

2008-02-26T18:55:00.002-05:00

So, braincube got into making his own t-shirts a bit ago and they came out supercool (i'll try and find a picture of his "brownie" shirt to post here). This inspired me.
Then i received a goonballin' t-shirt from raynbo's girl that i wear whenever i can..
Finally, it became time for me to attempt it. Lacking a screen printing device and much experience myself, my first attempt didn't come out as nice as either of theirs.. but, fuck it dude. i like it.
Here is my TreeShirt

The Metamorphosis

2008-02-22T17:24:00.002-05:00

If only because i'm posting some of my other stuff, i'll post this one. i was really happy with how it came out and god knows where it currently resides. You see, as i was sending the provisionals the images below, i played with the envelope and this was the image that was attached to that sexy 8x11" envelope.

Buy This CD -- The Provisionals: Digital Lady

2008-02-20T22:24:00.006-05:00

So, if i haven't already attacked you with all of my retail prowess, here is a post to tell you about The Provisionals' second (and best) CD: Digital Lady. It really is quite excellent and you should buy it. You can get it on iTunes, but i suggest you buy it through cdBaby so that you can get all the artwork i did for it. Yes, all that beauty you see (or will see when you buy it) was created by me at the request of those very talented California musicians (who i must say, have great taste.)
As i pleaded earlier, buy a copy for yourself, your significant other, your friends, your family and your enemies (think of it as the beginning of your reconciliation.)
You can listen to most of it on either their myspace account or at the cdBaby site.
As a special "gift" for those of you viewing it through here.. here are the originals that were used/cropped/written over by those musical sex gods, The Provisionals' for their second CD: Digital Lady. (If, after listening to this indie masterpiece, you have the desire to sleep with one or all of the band members, let me know, I have an in.)

PS: from their CDbaby site (before they change it..) here is a short description of hte album:

Arguably the worst band around - this barely meets the definition of music.

From New York and California, the members of The Provisionals created a velvetine lounge, turned up their amps and mixed bitter-tart melodies with harmonies, practically in tune. They then brought in sordid, checkered rhythms, and continued to drink Assam tea. Unfettered by tiny earholes, The Provisionals listen to The Walkmen, Elliott Smith, The Flaming Lips, The Zombies, and occasionally each other.

Front

Back

Inside (Behind CD)

Inside Cover

Liner Notes Background (foldout)

Altruism Part 1

2008-02-18T12:38:00.004-05:00

So we'll forget about the recent pieces i've given to nishat and call this the first Altruism Work. I'm not totally disappointed by it, but there are a lot of elements i am a bit unhappy with (makes me want to paint something else and not screw up).. anyway.. congratulations kimmie.. enjoy it and get it framed (i'll keep better).

Really should have lightened up that background before i went any further. also, learned an lesson on the importance of sketching and not just saying "I'll figure it out later"

Notice the pinky gets another cm in length by the next picture.

Needed more movement... thus the leeches in the background.. they weren't going to be leeches but apparently that's what the brush wanted

It GLOWS

The finished product.
Don't let this one scare you off, i can paint better than this and just found a box with a full set of cheap acrylics. That being said, first one to comment or email gets the second altruistic work. (I took today off, so it could be done quickly... in theory)

Candidate Songs: Barack Obama

2008-02-14T21:53:00.006-05:00

So, i got a little email from Jonah today, announcing how he had written a song for Barack Obama. It's super catchy and he is only charging $20.08 for the MP3 (all donations going to Obama's campaign) and i was inspired! I'll write a song for each of the candidates and only charge $19 a piece.

Well, if i record them.

So.. anyway, here is the first song. it's about a candidate that i am personally supporting (assuming Gravell doesn't get the nomination). Enjoy it.

Obamania

Rhythm (in 6/8)
(note, html reads multiple spaces as a single space... so you cannot see where the chords should go.. well it's easy.. for the C# lines, the last three syllables get the chords)
A(on 1) G(on 4)
1+ + + 4+ + +
C(on 1) D(on 4)
1+ + + 4+ + +

A(on 1)
1+ + + 4+ + +
C#(on 1) G#(on 4) A(on 5+) B(on 6+)
1+ + + 4+ + +

A G
C D

A G
C D

A
In 96 he made his debut
C# G# A B
this guy cares about the issues
A
oh, you know it is so true
C# G# A B
and he's a master of kung-fu

A
If you don't vote for Barack
C# G# A B
You are casting your vote for a Cock
A
be a man, Don't vote with the flock
C# G# A B
he'll clear the streets of all the glocks

A
go ahead and ask your momma
C# G# A B
she'll tell you to vote for obama
A
he gives her a ideological bone-ah
C# G# A B
he plans to help all the social strata

A G
C D

A G
C D

A
you know he asks you to believe
C# G#A B
the middle class deserves a reprieve
A
unlike clinton, he won't deceive
C# G# A B
our economic woes will be allieved

A
he promises to get us out of iraq
C# G# A B
for longterm planning he has a knack
A
lets get this country back on track
C# G# A B
please give us a vote for barack!

(quarter Notes hits)
A
obama
G
mitzvah
C
samba
C#
vodka
D
vulva
{rest}

C# G# A B
All great things, vote for obama

A G
C D

C D

I'm feeling altruistic

2008-02-07T23:32:00.000-05:00

so my friends... I'm sitting here drunk again, watching west wing and chumby and I saw one of my most recent paintings I gave to nishst for x-mas... And I thought, shit. I should paint more. So... First one to comment or text me gets a new hand painted paint by the oh so sexy m
ps... I'll pay shipping

halftime penises and football pools

2008-02-03T22:36:00.000-05:00

so the giants just won. and my BAC isn't even over .10...
in an attempt to get a respectable level, mau and i attempted a little football pool... a normal grid was created and randomly divided up between the two of us. by quarters, the rules were as follows:
Q1: 1 drink (matt won) (BAC: m:0.05 mau:0.14)
Q2: 2 drinks (mau won) (BAC: m:0.06 mau:0.00)
Q3: 1 drink (mau won) (BAC: m:0.05 mau: 0.03)
Q4: 3 drinks (mau won) (BAC: m:0.08 mau: 0.00)
with a bonus of one drink to the opposing player if the right digit of your BAC equaled the ones digit of either of the teams at the end of the quarter...

Btw.. did anyone notice the giant lit up phallus during the halftime show? or am i just a disturbed little boy

Update: Postgame BAC for m=0.15

World of What?

2008-01-29T13:07:00.001-05:00

Let me prefaced this with the statement that i don't judge you. World
of Warcraft is a fine hobby that in no way causes me to judge you,
your physique or your slightly stank breath. I'd go as far to say as
it is quite a bit healthier, physically and socially than drinking on
your couch alone. (Yes! I admit it)

That being said, i am now in about the fourth hour of a series of
conversations around my cube (note: not in it or involving me)
relating to individuals trials and tribulations in a MMORPG that
apparently "[has] the power to make men cry like beaten orphans."* I
now know all about a quest where you are spawned into an area with
thousands of 162s(?) and badass orcs that seem to between you and a
trinket. what does the trinket do? i don't konw.. something about
transporting you back to a village. ("Oh that's all" "Yeah, man. But
you don't understand, it can transport me there from anywhere" "well i
guess you go in and battle a lot more than me, you know a whole bunch
of in and out action"(!)) My point being that my brain is already
dangerously overcrowded. Over the last couple days i've begun to have
a very real concern that i have an inoperable brain tumor that is
preventing me from either learning anything new or focusing on a
though for more than a heartbeat. Please do not shove your azeroth
laden stories into the fragile bit of cheesesponge that i use to
create coherent sentences.

Jesus, SHUT UP already... your stories about hunting yeti skins are
not interesting... not like my winding stories of sitting on a futon
watching tv and drinking... oh wait. shit.

*i do not in anyway endorse the beating of orphans.

Choose your Vacation with Style!

2008-01-11T21:45:00.000-05:00

So my last department requires each employee to pick their year's vacation days on January 2nd. If you don't have kids with set vacations or set plans to getaway then you may as well choose your vacation days randomly. Well, mau mentioned this to me so i wrote a little spreadsheet to do just this. I can't post files on this blog for download (i don't think) so if you want it, let me know! (i have it in excel and open office formats (i suggest open office))

Go nerds

so I've decided

2008-01-06T02:36:00.000-05:00

I want to be an eccentric... As I watch the the Royal Tanenbaughs (or how ever the fuck it is spelled) I've decided that being an eccentric is the best course of action for a soul like myself.
That is all. Good night y'allr

thing never to do... Part 1

2008-01-06T01:07:00.000-05:00

brush your teeth and utilizes a q-tip simultaneously. Ow.

oh yeah, i was sexy

2008-01-04T21:49:00.001-05:00

so if you weren't part of the debate, i had a mustache for exactly 5 hours and had a small vote on whether i should keep it.
The end vote was six to one for keeping it. Unfortunatly, i am sleeping with the nay vote.
So, i'm clean shaven now and not nearly as sexy.

i want to make chumbolotl better

2008-01-04T21:24:00.000-05:00

So, for those of you that haven't heard, I bought (and received) a brand new "latte" chumby!
If you don't know what a chumby is you can either go to the Chumby Story or just read the next sentence:

The Chumby is a cute always-on internet device that plays flash widgets that provide various useful pieces of information.

Yes, it was a run on sentence, but i realized that i had more than one sentence worth of information. Anyway...
One of the coolest (arguably the coolest) thing about chumby is that it is a completely open platform.

Anyone can make a widget and upload it for public consumption
they provide the hardware schematics for any hardware changes you want to make
- something about a daughterboard
Besides creating just the widgets the OS is linux based and completely hackable

As you can tell, i am more of a repeater than an understander.
Anyway...
So i have a copy of the Adobe Flash development suite and some free time (not really, but i'll make it) and want to make some shit for my little Chumbolotl...

Any Ideas?

not new year's resolutions

2008-01-03T20:47:00.001-05:00

i just wanted to point out that the self-betterment that i am attempting to start (again) is not a result of new year's resolutions. these are simply the DST resolutions that i'm attempting to restart.
so blah.
today i exercised for 45 minutes, only had 2 cigarettes and had a gyro for lunch and 1/4 lbs of turkey for dinner.
Now i am writing something online.
not bad m, not bad.

* as an update, i now have 3 basses in the house and have added a harmonica and an accordion**.

** mau has hidden the accordian

First Time In a Long Time

2007-12-27T16:31:00.000-05:00

So, in lieu of getting overly drunk during daylight hours today, i painted a picture.
It's obviously been a while since i've tried to use a brush for anything other than snow removal but i'm not completely disappointed with the results.
Maybe i'll start painting with some consistency again.
or maybe i'll just continue to get drunk during daylight hours.

My First Funeral

2007-12-13T20:27:00.000-05:00

My grandmother died this last friday. It was sad.
On the upside, she was beautiful and hopefully some of those genes are latent in me, to be passed to my children

The Spark that Bled

2007-10-12T18:15:00.000-04:00

So i came home today, only to be told that i may have been stabbed in the skull. I was at work, in a class, frustrated with the stupidity of those around me and I have no idea what happened to me.

No, Thank you Flaming Lips

I accidentally touched my head
And noticed that I had been bleeding
For how long I didn’t know
What was this, I thought, that struck me?
What kind of weapons have they got?
The softest bullet ever shot

I stood up and I said, yeah!
I stood up and I said, yeah!
I stood up and I said, hey! Yeah!

From this moment on
Blaring like a trumpet
Coming from above us and somewhere below
The confidence of knowing
Descending to relieve us of the struggle
To believe it’s so

I stood up and I said, yeah!
I spoke up and I said, hey!
I stood up and I said, hey! Yeah!

And it seemed to cause a chain reaction
It had momentum, it was gaining traction
It was all the rage, it was all the fashion
The outreached hands had resigned themselves
To holding onto something that they never had
And that’s too bad
'Cause in reality there was no reaction

I accidentally touched my head
And noticed that I had been bleeding
For how long I didn’t know

Buying a 36 Year Old Car (and driving it across the country) -- thurs night - fri morning

2007-09-11T20:14:00.000-04:00

So, if I hadn't told you in the last week or so, I've been talking to a guy I found on ZCar.com and finally agreed to buy his 1971 Datsun 240Z. Within a week i had bought a one way ticket to Phoenix, AZ and was unable to sleep from nervous anticipation.

Next thing I knew I was having a couple bourbons on the plane and i realized i was actually on my way. I met up with Kimmie at the Airport and our friend Sophie and her boyfriend Scott picked us up and brought us to their place for the night. (Fact of the night from these archeologists: You can tell burrned bone from charcol because bone sticks to your tongue.)

I'm only telling this part of the story because it is releavant to me getting pulled over later. So, the day before i left i attempted to get the car added to my insurance. Well, the website didnt' have any cars before 1981 on it, so i had to call them to get it added. Basically, my insurance guy said that he couldn't give me any proof of insurance because it took a while for it to get into the system. The morning after we arrived in phoenix, i checked the insurance website and found they had put a datsun on my insurance! Hurray! Wait.. a 1981 Datsun 280ZX with a VIN number totally unlike what i had repeated twice to the guy on the phone the day before. FUCK.

So, i called the company and found out that because they didn't have the car in the system, they put in a temporary car and vin number.. thanks esurance, that helps. So, my new favorite insurance woman tells me that i can get a "letter of experience." basically its proof of insurance if you don't have the card. an hour later on hold at the local office max they had faxed me it. (did you know that it is not legal for them to email you it? it's because it's too easy to edit them. yeah... because a fax is so much harder to modify. i hate them.

The next post will be on the actual purchasing of the Z and the first couple days drive.

What You Don't Want Your Tattoo Artist to Say:

2007-08-05T19:39:00.000-04:00

"Oh Fuck"

Guess who got to hear that?

me.

This is about an hour into my most recent tattoo.

Fearing the worst, i said nothing and didn't look down.

Tattoo Guy: "Shit, shit, shit. I never do this... How badly did you want the triangles to look like how you drew them?"

me: "..."

Tattoo Guy: "I never do this... some of these loopy designs though..."

me: "..."

Tattoo Guy: "Don't worry, we can make it work..."

The end of the story is a happy one, he filled in the triangles with a inner halo (as he described it) and i do like the look of it... but i still don't want to hear the guy putting permanent ink into my dermis say "Oh Fuck..." ever again.

about m:

2007-07-08T02:25:00.001-04:00

Camper 0
Codename: Trogdor
I initially thought that writing my own bio would be a challenge. But then i realized.. "Who knows how great I am better than me? (and who uses the appropriate number of parentheses)" Well, I am the guy that put this together. I am the one with the ability to bring together such a diverse group of societal miscreants for the common cause of getting wasted in the outdoors. Hailing from the Bay Area originally, I grew up in Upstate NY (practically Wilderness Camping in its own right) and soon learned that without the ability to make your own fire, the winters could be very, very cold (frostbite, contrary to public opinion, is not pleasant). Known for my inane commentary and ability to take a vicious head butt, I am the guy you want on your side after a fight begins (but likely got you in the fight in the first place). Keep your cigarettes and your liquor away from me... I've been known to lash out when either are lacking.
Drink: Bourbon (the cheap kind) and homebrews (the free kind)

one more bio

2007-07-08T01:46:00.000-04:00

Camper 13
Codename: Clusteruck
The real question with this camper is what is he not known for? Well, that and his unabashed sensuality. How much sensuality, you may ask. Well so much that you, my poor little nugget, can only handle one day with this little ball of fun. What makes him so overwhelming for the uninitiated masses? Glad you asked. He can ruck over the average girl scout troop without either a blink or a even a flesh wound to his sense of guilt Without a thought of self preservation, he will light an empty cardboard case of beer atop his head and run around a bone dry forest giggling manically? Is this not enough to convince you? Well, show up, drink up and he'll show you why he is loved and feared simultaneously by all who dare to bask in his presence.
Drink: Yuengling Premium (from a used cleat)

Another Couple Bios

2007-07-06T18:16:00.000-04:00

Camper 11
Codename: Purple Onesie
Mixing the art of bodybuilding with fine art, Purple Onesie works in a medium you can only dream of. Don't be confused by his steely eyes or ability to bench a volvo, all purple Onesie really wants is a boyfriend to tenderly place a sweater upon his shoulders when it gets too cold. Although he may be one of the less experienced campers on this journey, he is also one of the few that can run down a wild boar and put it in a suplex. When we run low on food, you'll thank him for this skill.
Drink: Vodka and Soda

Camper 12
Codename: The Bear
Born in the mountains of west Tennessee, The Bear, never saw a sandwich or a pair of scissors until he was 25. Since then, he has been more than making up for lost time, cutting sandwiches in half almost daily. This will be his primary role on our expedition, so if you have a tough roast beef on ciabatta, just bring it to him. He'll know what to do. Also, he has tunneling and demolitions experience par excellence!
Drink: The Blood of his Enemies

Second Round of Bios

2007-06-30T22:16:00.000-04:00

Camper 6
Codename: Sexy Time
Sexy Time introduced me to skanking. No, not that type... the kind involving ska music and checkerboard suspenders. I don't know where he picked it up, it could have been in one of the thousands of places that he lived in growing up or it could be just another one of those skills he picked up while break-dancing his way through college (true story, that's how he financed his junior year). Realizing midway through his master's year that professional dancing wouldn't finance his extravagant lifestyle, he decided to move into the glamorous field of Direct Mailing. Yeah, you know those credit card offers you get everyday? He sends them.
Drink: Stella

Camper 7
Codename: Raynbo
This one is practically a legend. Famous (infamous? i always forget the difference) for his quadruple chambered liver, he has proven that alcohol abuse, while tragic, is usually a good time. The great outdoors may be the proper place for such a creature as this, as he has been known to kick through a plate glass door simply because he could and the second bottle of Jim Beam told him to. When not proving that "one more round" is usually a good idea, he can be found (sometimes with myself in tow) singing outside the L-train (usually poor covers of Guns 'n Roses or The Beatles) while weakly holding a Styrofoam container hoping to finance the next weekend.
Drink: Winecoolers, bourbon and scotch.

Camper 8
Codename: Poprocks

You may not notice it at first, but on hour eight or nine you will. Poprocks runs on an unknown and inexhaustible source of energy. It's believed that in the years training to be a material scientist she discovered something that has given her this superhero-like power. How would you harness this power if you were blessed with this gift? Poprocks channels this energy into her two main activities: smiling and Ultimate Frisbee. Now that you know that, you know you shouldn't mention her height—she can take off your head with a plastic disc at 200 meters.
Drink: Anything with a high sugar content

Camper 9
Codename: Redneck
All you need to know about this girl is that you've never met her. Got it? She was never there, didn't see anything and knows even less. Okay, I'll tell you, but this is just between you and me. She grew up on the mean streets of Newark, NJ, kicking ass and taking names. He pseudonym then was the "Mighty Meerkat." Well, lets just say she saw something, something that had the potential to put some people in a "family" away for a long time. Thankfully, the feds got to her first and this formerly red haired Irish gem, went under some extensive reconstructive surgery. After a short stint in a unknown ivy league school in upstate NY, her cover was finally blown (long story involving a bottle of Soco, a drumstick and a very unhappy Iranian). She was forced to assume a new identity and move south. Real south. So don't laugh at her pathetic southern accent, she's just trying to sell the part.

Drink: Yes

Camper 10
Codename: Feeders
You ever meet someone and immediately know that some day you'll see his picture on tv, demanding ransom from the UN with a army of killer robots standing in formation behind him? Well, Feeders may be that guy. I knew it on the first night we went out drinking. After helping to prevent a fight between an associate of ours and a Grip from the Real World Philadelphia, he began barking at a poor girl walking her dog down Second. Now based out of DC, he's got a whole new population to psychologically torture. Don't let his goofy smile fool you, he's a evil genius in the making. Sure, he started off scheduling Tractor Trailers (not be the most intelligent army), but look in his eyes, the killbots cannot be that far away.

Drink: Another Beer.

Best Survey Results So Far

2007-06-18T17:25:00.000-04:00

Okay.. so hopefully I'm going camping with you. Yes *you*! What, you
haven't written me back yet? Well get on it! Yeah.. some planning has
to be done... Here are some of the best answers I've received for each
section... you may submit more than once if you are upset that your
suggestion didn't make it

First Questions (Are you the right person to camp with me?):

Did you read Lord of the Flies and think, "why not me?"
Read?
*Right dude, I read that right after Gone with the Wind.
*No, but I did with Batman.

Do you live in fear of our technology rising up against us?
*yes... the evil robots

Did you call Steve Irwin a Pussy?
*It's weird you wrote, as I'd been calling Steve Irwin a pussy
all morning!

Has it been months or years since you've actually seen a star or you
believe the sky is actually made of smog?
*Star light, star bright, first star I've seen in my life, I wish I may...

Is the "Man" bringing you down?
*I'm unemployed! I guess that makes me the man!!!
*You're the man now, dog!

And finally, the survey questions... I usually tried to choose my
favorite, but if I couldn't decide, both are there.
1) Are you interested at all?
*Yes, I'm fucking interested.

2) How interested are you (1-10 with ten being most interested)?
*7 as it's the largest prime number in the possible result set
*I'm interested enough to sniff your butt to find out if I'm interested in being more interested. So that's like a 5 or 6.

3) Kitchen is to Microwave as Campsite is to ________?
*I got a 490 on this portion of the SATs.. campfire?
*Kitchen is to microwave as campsite is to true love

4) Where do you want to go camping (if you have any preference)?
*Close to a trainstation

a. If you have no preference, what criteria do you look for in a
campground?
*In my pants.
*preferably near naked coeds

b. Can you swim?
*Yeah but I almost drown a couple summers ago.
*Yes, but just because I used to be a lifeguard doesn't mean I'm going to save anyone else who can't

c. Can you canoe? Kayak? Pilot a motor boat? Do you own any of
those?
*I can swamp two of the three

5) How long do you want to go for?
*Until we run out of food and alcohol

6) What dates are umpossible?
*Your mom unfortunately.

7) What dates are preferred?
*As the president of the Provisionals' fan club I'll go whenever a member of the band will be there
*I prefer my dates to have good hygiene, be tall, and pay.

8) What gear would you need to acquire/borrow/steal?
sleeping bag, tent, car, food, money, women,
prophylactics

9) Do you have a car or would you be able to get a ride with
someone who did?
i dunno, are you someone?

10) Do you have any dietary restrictions? (You will not be considered
for a spot if you have a peanut allergy).
*People with food allergies should be killed and eaten by the rest of us that aren't pussies.
*I need to eat every 17 minutes and if I don't, I will eat a different nonessential part of your body until I get some s'mores

11) Comments, additional questions:
*Sometimes I think that the clothes that I don't take on vacation with me feel bad that they weren't included and talk shit about me while I'm gone.

12) Haiku
Mud between my toes; whisky, the sounds of voices; the smell of
campfires.

I really enjoyed; Dan Akroyd and John Candy; In The Great Outdoors

im gonna haiku; haiku the shit out of it; haiku its brains out

The sun shines brightly; but my skin is still so white; oh yeah, I'm inside

we'll have outdoors sex; instead...i'm an engineer; don't do poetry

(note: the following is not a haiku... it's okay, she was an engineer)
Once there was a girl from Philly
Who moved to New York and felt silly,
She worked for UPS,
Cried from the stress,
And moved to Vermont where it's hilly.

Crew Bios

2007-06-18T16:28:00.001-04:00

Here is the first Installment... if you see yourself and are NOT
coming, let me know. If you don't see yourself and are DEFINITELY
coming, let me know.

More Bios to come.

Camper 1
Codename: The Dirty Mexican
A former downhill skier from Upstate NY, he moved west to find his
fortune. Pursuing a career in ROCK while spending his free time
playing with geosynchronous satellites, he currently resides in San
Diego California. When he heard about the trip, he exclaimed in his
own quiet manner: Fuck yeah, I'm there. Don't be confused by his
swarthy appearance, he only rarely will pillage your village.
Drink: Microbrews or Vodka tea

Camper 2
Codename: Mau
Having lived in both Long Island and New Jersey, educated in
engineering and hating of all things hotdog, she may be the most
naturally adept outdoors woman in the history of the world (part I).
Don't be fooled by her batting eyelashes or sensuous lips, she is a
cold blooded killer and will cut you as soon as share her Malibu and
coke. Three days without an outlet to charge for her various
electronics will test her mettle.
Drink: Malibu and {Coke, Cranberry, Pineapple}

Camper 3
Codename: The Confused
The Confused is now in training for her second career (the east coast
one) as an unscrupulous litigator. Having lived in Beautiful San
Diego for a couple years, she found herself missing the assholish and
ugly population of the east cost. Weather? Yeah, that too, it was
just toooooooooo nice out there. After finding that the populous of
Boston doesn't have the biting wit the were advertised to have, she
has agreed to come camping with us in search of a new level of light
speed banter.
Drink: Bourbon or Red Wine

Camper 4
Codename: Juicy (no pants)
Another former disgruntled employee, Juicy has recently found himself
in the business of "Consulting". Why the air quotes, translated into
real quotes when placed in text, you ask? Well, rumor is that said
consulting gig has resulted in inordinate amounts of "work" from home.
The guy from "Supersize Me" is currently filming a special on "30
Days: Without Pants" with our Juicy as his subject. Note: Juicy is
currently assembling a small army to join him on this trip. He will
be providing the Bios for these Wacky Sacks of People-meat.
Drink: Miller Lite

Camper 5
Codename: Cheetos
No one is sure why she is called Cheetos, but ever after her vacation
with the Peace Corps in depressed areas of Jamaica, she has insisted
on being called Cheetos. She is seen occasionally sneaking around
lower Manhattan looking for places with cheap booze and outdoor
smoking areas. Little else is known about this camper other than she
has feet worthy of a [insert fancy shoe brand here] and her interests
are Fortran and costal modeling.
Drink: Rum, straight, any color, in a tall glass.

Day 5 (after the binge)

2007-03-25T22:59:00.000-04:00

a little vacation? if by vacation you mean binge drinking and smoking, yes. a weekend in pittsburgh was enough to convince me my body wasn't fit to do what you guys call "exercise"
well. a mutton dinner and a few bloody marys (hoying recipe of course) and i'm back to building that body i should have been born with (ha!).
anyway:
situps: 80
pushups: 40
pullups: 4
smokes: 3
weight: 190

just another day at the downs

2007-03-22T16:53:00.001-04:00

M (mph) [4:46 PM]:
{in distance}<beep> <beep>
M (mph) [4:46 PM]:
m: <turns head questioningly.. hair whips back and forth in the
sunlight>
M (mph) [4:47 PM]:
{he can just barely make out a yellow dot on the horizon.. not sure what
it is, he begins walking in the other direction... at a steadily
quickening pace}
M (mph) [4:47 PM]:
{the ground begins to slightly shake.. a rumbling vibrates through the
air}
M (mph) [4:48 PM]:
matt: "ugh" {a paranoid moan escapes his lips as he feels his own doom
on the horizon}
M (mph) [4:49 PM]:
{suddenly, it's upon him.. he attempts to scream in terror but suddenly
feels strong, capable and friendly hands grabbing him}
M (mph) [4:49 PM]:
(that's right) he thinks (my partners would never let me get hit by a
mode of ground transportation)
M (mph) [4:50 PM]:
{suddenly the momentum changes and he looks back in sudden disbelief at
their intent eyes}
M (mph) [4:50 PM]:
(yes) he realizes, (my coworkers won't hesitate to throw me under the
bus)
M (mph) [4:51 PM]:
{the bus drives on, wheels slowly losing their bloody sheen... uncaring,
for it was just another innocent, thrown under the bus by

day MOTHERFUCKIN FOUR

2007-03-15T23:07:00.000-04:00

yeah.. i came BACK from the bar and worked out...
situps: 80
pushups: 42
pullups: 5
smokes: 6
weight: 189
oh yeah... and lost A MOTHERFUCKIN POUND!!
w007.
i had a salad for lunch (and some oreos) and had calamari (thai) and more salad for dinner.
time to go to pittsburgh and consume 5000cal/day (in alcohol alone).
cheers!

day 3 (can you believe it??)

2007-03-14T23:34:00.000-04:00

situps: 80
pushups: 45
pullups: 5
smokes: 3
weight: 190
and get this: for lunch i had a salad!
ruined it all though when i met my parents out for dinner... had a panini with palm hearts, tomato, brie and some type of smoked italian beef...
we'll i'm sore as hell (hey, it's been three days!) so i'm going to sit here and watch colbert while i wonder in amazment about tonights broken record (3 days in a row of non-cardio exercise!)

day 2

2007-03-13T20:36:00.000-04:00

situps: 80
pushups: 40
pullups: 5
smokes: 3
weight: 190
and food wise:
no snacks (aside from three st. patrick's chocolate donut holes (make your chocolate salty balls jokes... now) double turkey burger for lunch and 1/2 box of kraft mac and cheese for dinner (With Water!) and i plan on drinking less than a bottle of wine.
also, did i mention i exercise to the Katamari Damacy Soundtrack? yeah.. situps to Fugue #7777

day 1

2007-03-12T21:11:00.000-04:00

situps: 80
pushups: 40
pullups: 4
smokes: 4
weight: 190

DST resolutions

2007-03-12T19:56:00.000-04:00

if i haven't ranted about this to you before i don't believe in new years resolutions.
why the hell would an arbitrary day warrant making life changing changes.
January first my ass.
Now Daylight Saving Day.. it doesn't get less arbitrary than that.
especially when it is non-arbitrarily changed by our loving government.
so.
life changing day is upon us.
Here are the goals (tell me if you think i'm biting off more than i can chew... (remember though, i have a large, sensuous mouth):
1) Begin exercising again.. not necessarily running until it gets nice out and i don't have the "it's too cold to run" excuse available... if i can do 1/2 hour a day i'll be rather grinny
2) Smoke Less.. no.. i'm not quitting, but i'll get it down to... say four MAX a day aside weekends with at least one day no-smoking
3) Eat Better.. what's the point of exercising if you eat as bad as i do? i'm not going to make any specifics on this one so there is more chance i do it.. but let's try and avoid days like today where i had salsa combos and oreos for lunch and basically a deep fried potato for dinner
4) Write Something Four Days a Week. Shit. There are five blogs i contribute to.. i should have something to say on at least one of them a day.
5) Play one of the guitars or piano every weekday. how can i justify having four guitars and a bass in here if i don't play 'em. and that piano? when is the last time i've touched that... plus i have furtherance sitting there begging me to work on it.. god, i'm a lazy piece of shit.

okay. now it's said... let's see if i do it.

lesson of the day

2007-02-13T07:41:00.000-05:00

The penthouse sucks. I'm on the 26th floor and my shower would have more water pressure if i rinsed under a one quart watering can.

my personal hell

2007-02-12T22:46:00.000-05:00

Oh Horror,
Oh Tragedy.

My own personal hell.

Here i am locked in this metal tube 36,000 feet above the cursed earth and what comes into my company?

My bane,
My archenemy
My kryptonite

The Banana

Arg Fuck, not a single, yellow, demon fruit...
not two or six in the fourty feet of this business class cabin. But Dozens, maybe hundreds.

Oh Horror,
Oh Travesty.

For those unawae, the scent of this ethylene spewing monstrosity has been known to make me feel ill. Hell, a single discarded peel, hidden away, used, browning and decomposing the the lower corner of a little black garbage can 200 yards from my present location has been known to throw me into fits, fights against my own gag reflex.

And here i am. Locked in this little metal tube, filled with recycled air and overwhelmed with the repulsive scent of thousands of these dastardly, pale, textureless fingers of monkey love. God, there are enough in this plane to completely cover your average sized wheelchair ramp.

Close my eyes.
Try not to breathe.
Turn up that little aeroplane air jet as high as it goes. keep the smell moving past my delicate nostrils.
Pray for a speedy flight and in the same breath, curse the god that allowed this torture.
Laugh at this cosmic joke as i choke on your own bile.

the most defeated

2006-12-05T17:43:00.000-05:00

I just saw the most defeated man in the world.

How do you spot him you ask?

Look for the man slouched in front of the urinal for much too long, his
head at a right angle to his body. the man willing his member to drop
forth a couple more mils of liquid and give him another bless'd second
away from his desk... god, I think he is praying that said liquid
doesn't come from his eyes first.

He was so sad and pathetic looking... like a chastised childe standing
in the corner regretting not what he had done but that he was caught.

Do that man a favor and fire him.

(note: this was actually another guy at work.. this is not me writing in
the third person)

Time of Death: 6:20

2006-11-21T22:57:00.000-05:00

well tonight ended up being one of the scariest and simultaneously most disappointing nights of my life.
I had promised my parents i would return to upstate ny for the thanksgiving holiday. while waiting for the appropriate time to leave i started watching some recorded standup. while watching one of these i was surfing the internet and happened to glance back up to the TV during a commercial for "Lego Starwars II" and saw the following:
"Time of Death: 6:20"
well shit.
that time happens to be about midway through my drive to my parents place.
my car's been acting up.
i slept from 5:30am-7:45am last night and woke up with twin hangovers due to my therapists (cigarettes and bourbon)
seemed like this was a viable omen.
well so i'm driving up, less than an hour out of my place in jersey and i started considering my death...
what are the chances that i would be killed instantly? in my mind, slim.. chances are i would be gravely injured during a car accident and i would bleed out in the ambulance or possibly waiting for medical attention.
thus there was no point in waiting til 6:20 to get worried. i should be ready for my impending doom for the entire tiem upto 6:20
well what if my watch is wrong?
well we will go to 6:30 just to be safe...
well to make a couple hours of torture short, 6:30 hit and i was still on I87 N.
alive
My thoughts:
"Yay I'm Alive!"
"Booo, that would have been so cool if i called my own Time of Death"
"oh shit. 6:20 happens twice a day, every day... i hope i don't get short of breath every time i notice this horrid time"
well, i'm alive. c'est la vie. next tiem i call my own death i'll wait for at least two signs before i publish it.

jim beam's view on modern football

2006-11-21T03:03:00.000-05:00

so i'll apologize in advance.
i'm a fucking sheet away from being in the wind..
i've finished (what i woudl estimate as) two thirds a bottle of JB and have no illusions about my lucidity.
but i'm watching tonights modnay night game (i spent the time it was on watching season two of the weeds which is fucking unbelieveable and i hightly suggest you download/buy it now. really fucking good) and i am realizing who owtdated football is...
spot of the ball, officiating... there is no excuse for it to be in this state.
i know ive discussed this with the psuedo yuppie and lytri before but how can they still argue about where the spot of the ballshould be? put a fucking rfid chip in the fucker and see where it hit the ground or combined with replay figure out where the ball was (to the milifuckingmeter) at teh tiem teh player was down...
and fuck thsi ON THE FIELD OFFICATING... put the refs and umpire up in a fucking booth and have them reviewing every fucking play within seconds of the completion... why depend on realtime human error? god it pisses me off...
there is NO FUCKING REASON...
there are more but jim is taking my concentration so CHEERS ALL...
i have a bit of woodford reserve calling my name

good eats

2006-11-12T17:36:00.000-05:00

ahhh what an alton brown day.
i should have built giant models to show how emulsification works...
or hired models to emulsify together in my kitchen...
it's okay.. i'm not even sure what that means...
so getting back to explaining the title...
i bought a couple pumpkins a couple weeks ago to carve for Halloween.. well, like most projects recently, they sat in the corner until i forgot about them. while pretending to clean this morning (thus justifying any other lack of action this weekend) i found the previously mentioned pumpkins. no reason to make them in to scary scary things at this point right? lets make them into food.
so i halved and baked one of them (producing about 1/2 gallons of pumpkin puree)

Foodstuff 1) of course the first thought was pumpkin pie.. after glancing around for recipes i discovered i actually didn't have any of the ingredients besides pumpkin and sugar... so i went for pumpkin bread. i found a website that had a bread recipe (from which i stole the dry/liquid ratios) and threw the shit in the breadmaker. (yes, i did put bourbon in it).. i also forgot to put baking soda or baking powder in it initially but remembered about 20 minutes into the cycle.
End Product Rating: 4.5/5 stars

Foodstuff 2) i had pumpkin seeds left over from the halving of the pumpkins so i took those littel fuckers and fired there asses in canola oil in my wok. after covering them in chili powder, garlic powder, salt and pepper.. i made a pretty rockandroll snack.. but those are all gone now..
End Product Rating: 5/5 stars

Foodstuff 3) shit i have a lot of pumpkin puree.. lets make pumpkin soup. granted i hated this shit when my mom made it but i'm hungry and the bacon isnt ready (yes.. all the while ive been slow frying bacon..) i won't repeat mysecret recipe here as i am quite drunk and have no idea what went in (besides a splash of bourbon and a shitload of black pepper) it but it had a strange spiciness to it.. very odd.. over all i like it a lot more than that weird orange gunk my mom used to serve
End Product Rating: 3.5/5 stars..

okay.. that bacon just finished cooking and i still got a couple drinks left in this bottle of jim so i think i'll just sit here and relive my sunday pumpkin memories...

i am a patient supervisor

2006-11-10T14:28:00.000-05:00

Another homicide free day!
But check out this little love note I was forced to write to my
employee:

I stopped reviewing this at page five because I realized that most of the changes that we discussed during our last support meeting are not reflected in the document and I wasn't about to rewrite the FAQ. Please go through this again, reviewing the changes I've made through page five. After that, please go through the entire document with the notes you took from the meeting and make sure that changes that were agreed to are contained within this document.

mining for olfactory pleasure

2006-11-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

I just ate 3 reesesticks and a bag of chips ahoy rainbow mini cookies.
Then I picked my nose.
It actually was a pretty good experience. It smelled WONDERFUL.
I highly suggest it for all.

snickers commercial tab

2006-10-24T21:18:00.000-04:00

http://kadel.blogspot.com/2006/07/snickers-chords-you-never-know-whats.html
hey kids..
so the wonderful snickers commercial came one where the guy sings of the merits of snickers and i relized how much i loved it.
so after a couple watches i think i figured it out... then surfed the web (jon stewart has a great routine involving "surfing the net".. download it somewhere) to see how close i was.. well i found the link above and confirmed i was close...
the only odd chord is this one (which i've seen a hundred times but cannot rememeber the name of) is
G!E
e 3
b 0
g 0
d 0
a 2
e 0
so the chords are:
G-------------------G!E
Happy peanuts soar
-------C---------------------Em
Over chocolate covered mountaintops
------G---------------G!E-C
And waterfalls of caramel
-------------G-----------------G!E
Prancing nougat in the meadow
-----------C--------------Em
Sings a song of satisfaction
---------G
To the world

Rock it out people!

check out her eyelashes

2006-10-24T19:43:00.000-04:00

ah shite. the world and what its coming to..
let me preface this, i like tits, i like ass, i like abs.
but i am none of those coupled with "-man"..
once in a drunken conversation with a girl that was quite attractive (at least at the six drink level) and quite talkative.
shite.. what else could you want?
anyway... she asked and asked and asked
"what are you, a tit-man? ass-man (at this point i laughed at the term assman)... etc"
anyway after a few deft maneuvers to keep from cornering myself into the cliche of the mammary obsessed male i came out and admitted..
"im a face man"
(at this point she laughed, probably at my unintentional a-team reference)
we argued for a bit whether that was true and i couldn't seem to get across that a butterface is not an option but a floating head was...
anyway.. so i saw an article on Reuters today talking about the
new
hot
plastic
surgery...
eyelash enhancements..
yeah.. just what you think..
"aw... i keep going to the bar and no one hits on me.. it can't be my saggy ass or lopsided chest.. it must be...
my eyelashes"
think for a bit how wondeful men's conversation truly would be if this was an issue...
"yeah man.. her body is kicking but fuck that.. those eyelashes just are repulsive"
"dude.. check out that chick.. yeah. that one.. at teh end of the bar.. yeah about 40 ft away..
look at her eyelashes!"
"uhh... i wanna tap those eyelashs"
ok.. well i'm not to witty (say nothing miso) right now.. i am pretty sure i'm losing my mind and any abilities that are directly linked ot it.

and we're "forwards?"

2006-10-18T09:54:00.000-04:00

From a <a
href="http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNew
s&storyid=2006-10-18T022106Z_01_L16264327_RTRUKOC_0_US-INDIA-PINK.xml&sr
c=rss">Reuters Article</a> I saw this morning about painting an entire
town pink to improve its image.

<i>The ancient town of Aurangabad in Bihar -- one of India's most
<b>backward</b> and poorest states -- is a hotbed of crime ranging from
killing, extortion, kidnapping and inter-caste wars.</i>

WTF? Aren't we past the point as a intelligent and culturally
knowledgeable society that the term "backward" shouldn't be used to
describe anyone? God, it sounds like some redneck describing those
"A-rabs" or calling some group "savages"... and this is on an
international news feed.
F that.
I am all for the end of political correctness (ask my Asian friends) but
this is just fed up. I'm going to go back to being angry with my job
now.

people without flavor

2006-10-13T13:45:00.000-04:00

I've noticed this more and more recently and it's not something that I'm
sure I should be upset with..
But I am...
Hey, I never professed to be well balanced..
So one of the first things I do when I meet someone is to ask what they
listen to..
Music-wise..
"oh, everything"
F you.
You do not like everything, you lying piece of shiznit. You are telling
me that you like neutral milk hotel (listening to "Naomi" right now) and
you like teeny-bop-pop (I was learning "mmmm bob" on guitar the other
night)... okay.. well I guess it is viable that you like both but do you
really think my question was to weed out the fact that you will listen
to anything? No, I wanted to know what type of music you prefer and
here is the part that pisses me off..
People don't seem to have a preference anymore!
F you digital media! Have you made music so accessible that the gang
bangers downstairs are listening to the same shiznit as the ladies going
to church on Wednesday night?
You must like something more than something else?
God I hate your face...

alien probes

2006-10-12T16:05:00.000-04:00

well not exactly.
So Monday I woke up with a chipped tooth and no idea how I got it.
Normally, this wouldn't be a huge deal (aside from the fact I'd never
chipped an adult tooth) as there is a good chance that while enjoying a
tall bourbon I ran into something (like a fist after an off-color
comment) or simply fell headfirst into something slightly harder than my
tooth enamel. But I wasn't drinking!
So what else could have done it?
I thought maybe food but my meals from the day before consisted of eggs
and bacon and bacon based pizza... hardly tooth chipping material.
hippyL suggested that either it was a DNA sample taken by aliens or a
failed attempt to place a gov't tracking device covertly in my temple
(that's what I call my body..)
so I still have this oddly shaped incisor and no clue of what happened
and I think it is slowly driving me insane.
Blah.

my turtles are pussies

2006-10-08T16:18:00.000-04:00

do you remember francis? some of you may have scars taht could help... well he was my last turtle. a rescue turtle you understand... my sister found him in our driveway one summer when i was in college and rather than "throw him as far as you can into lake ontario" as my father insisted i accepted him into my care as a poor replacement for the dog that i left at home when i moved off to school.
he was quite a badass at a very young age.. he was about the size of a quarter and had that wonderful prehistoric look that all snapping turtles do.. so he lived with me in various tupperware containers of increasing size, eating what ever organic or inorganic substance that was placed in his little world. i had him for two or three years including a couple of escape attempts where he chose to roam the apartment at the time for a couple weeks. (often to be found, mouth agape in the middle fo the kitchen, demanding food)
anyway, aside aside, francis was a badass and was released into the wild after biting raynbo's girlfriend at a shell diameter of seven inches.
well possibly mentioned earlier i got the most cliche turtles ever at the end of sirenfest...
get this:
Coney Island, cheap plastic box with a little palm tree. Total price? $12.
yeah.. well these motherfuckers are pussies.
well this is longer than i thought it would be at this point and the eagles are doing well so i'll finish this later.

YARRRRRRRRRG!

2006-09-26T20:33:00.000-04:00

So the new york boys had their second annual talk like a pirate day party.... it was a all pirate party ../ for the first hour... then.. well other people shoed up.. apparently very few people are interestign enough to dress like a buccaneer for a simple five hour period to get drunk...
well here are the boys and myself.. checkout g's gold tooth.. it's fucking bling ass pimp...

never let me use that phrase again.

Xtreme Elmo

2006-09-19T13:12:00.000-04:00

Ha.. this should be good for that old inside joke
XTREEEEEEEEMMMMMEEEEEE
http://www.engadget.com/2006/09/19/t-m-x-elmo-debuts-the-x-is-for-extrem
e-dude/

Yaarrrrrrrgggg.. work correspondence

2006-09-19T12:11:00.000-04:00

I be celebrating the holiday like an admiral.. here is an email I sent
out to me deckhands (it be about two score of them) 1/2 of which I do
not know... yarrrrggggg be a pirate biatch!

Yarg... Let me be clarifying a little bit: This field be renamed last
January for greater consistency within the system (elements that return
the same data should be named similarly, no?). Whenever our crew be
making changes as such the old field is "aliased" so previously written
queries wont be crashing upon deadman's reef.
In our release this weekend a folder was moved and the aliases were lost
in the transition. This be not intended and will be remedied.
The fix be as Captn R say but you really shouldn't be waiting for the
alias to be brought in. The query should be rewritten using the most
current name of the column. Because the name change went in last
January we didn't have release notes so no one knew it changed. In the
future when release notes come out stating a renaming of a column
(should be VERY rare.. like the flesh-eating red whale) ye should edit
yer queries to use the new name...
YAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGG
--admiral m

it's not christian rock.. they are just chirstians

2006-09-15T16:46:00.000-04:00

jesus.. (ha) this got me frustrated today... this is just my placeholder so i remember to bitch about it later..

m in hell

2006-09-12T15:06:00.000-04:00

Arg. I hope you find this entertaining. I’m quite frustrated at work as we are trying to hire someone to replace an employee that quit. Someone we desperately need. Now I’ve brought forth a bunch of candidates but between politics and company policy, right now we only have one candidate available for the position… someone I have fought against, tooth and nail since I heard she applied. You see I worked with her a few years ago and then she came to a training I was putting on, reaffirming her place in my mind as a waste of oxygen… so here is the conversation (with names adjusted of course) immediately occurring when I returned to my desk after a rather violent argument between me and my superior about the idiocy of hiring someone just to fill a space… you see she believes that if we don’t fill this replacement space in the next week we’ll lose it… I believe that if we would be better off not filling it and arguing to get the req reopened.

God I need to drink.

cannuck [1:54 PM]:

If we end up with only the 1 candidate and we hire her, I know you don't like her, but you have to try to work with her

m [1:54 PM]:

You don't have to worry about me trying to work with her... just my job satisfaction

knick knock kname

2006-09-11T23:56:00.000-04:00

so i have a problem..
well i'm sure if you've read any of this you have rather non-surprised look on your pretty little face.. but here is the one i happen to be speaking of at them moment.
i knickname people
obsesivly.
if you know anyone i know, chances are i had a hand in naming htem the name you know them by.
miso, raynbo, kimmieballs.. yeah.. those were mine.
so this was always knida a thing just hanging below the surface..
until i started working with so many poeple that i only partially know yet talk about incessantly.
i work in a rather large office (3k people) for a rather large company and have a pretty large work group (viente)
so i realized this after trying to have a conversation with a coworker and was quite lost on who she was talking about.. so for your sanity and mine, here are the people i work with:
patches - a girl that is rather clumsy and had at one point while drunk attempted to give her self a lobotomy via rum-stir-stick.. she also happens to be called "twitches" (not my name) because apparently i drive her isnane enough that she has developed a twitch in her left eye.
haha
juicy - a wonderful guy that loves hippy music and drinking nearly as much as i do. no one can really say where this name came from other than one day i started calling him that after a conversation about those damn shorts college age girls wear.
cake - a guy that is a little odd.. well odd enough that we talked about him constantly via im and since the msmessenger icon of a birthday cake had no prior meaning it was assocaited with him.
loaf - sits next to cake and stares at the wall for hours on end.. no one is sure what he does
lolo - my former coworker who left due to pregnacy (although rumor is she hated being called lolo so much that i drove her from the company
leaf/ms. daisy: a bubbly caribean girl that lived in cananda for a bit (hence leaf... maple leaf... never mind) and gets rides from juicy daily to work (hence ms. daisy)
balls: my minion (and favorite name).. she is from peru and at a wondeful lunch once spent 25 minutes describing how much she loved bull testicles as a child.. i wanted to name her pelotas del toro but someone said that may be interperted as racist... ah well..
nuts: a new minion, not mine that seems to be a useless as balls.. thus nuts..
poppin: an intern we had that never talked but someone once found a utube of him breakdancing under the name poppin fresh
twinks: a old intern that was a ballet dancer and didnt talk all that much.. first twinkle toes.. then shortened to be named after that famous fairy
rather than explain the rest... we also have cheese, van, sheepfucker and cannuck (she ain't canadian).. so yeah.. thats my witty non-running based post of the night..

so i found an old email detailing my bitching about the employee known as balls and thought you may find it as funny as i did:

me: "i'm so sick of working with balls... she is unbelievably dense... i know this 20 minute meeting with balls is going to turn into an excruciating 3 hour endeavour... fing balls... i can't even deal with her today..."

a jog in the great white north

2006-09-03T09:40:00.000-04:00

Stats:
1.28 miles (2.06km)
11:40 mins
9:03 mins/mile
General feeling: gaspy yuck

Point of pain: upper respiratory failure

Sweat Volume: ~2.0 liters

I am super proud of myself.. i am at my parents house for the holiday (and therefore rather hungover) and i somehow convinced myself to run. Jersey doens't seem to have hills. Upstate NY (real upstate ny, not that orange county, rockland county bullshit) has fucking hills.

arg.

so hopefully ernesto will leave me alone after i regain the will to live so i can go fishing this afternoon...

did you know ale has never gone fishing before? i hope she catches a record-sized northern pike.

--
(V))*)-(
¡♠U

tortoise style

2006-08-30T21:58:00.000-04:00

Stats:
1.31 miles (2.10km)
12:14 mins
9:19 mins/mile
General feeling: pink elephants everywhere
Point of pain: brain... no... air
Sweat Volume: ~2.5 liters and still going

I wanted to just do a short run today (12 mins) and see if i could up the speed a bit.
well as you see i didn't. i blame that on rather poor ipod shuffling... Here is what i remember of what i had to listen to (and tell me if it would inspire you to run fast)
The Weakerthans (my Favorite Chords)
Railroad Jerk (sweet Librarian)
another Railroad Jerk song
a bit of Breadwinner (not that i don't love his music but you try running to a song called "Twang" anyway.. check out his blog.. its fucking hilarious, hopefully the booger will get off his ass and post more... The Histrionics of the Yes Man
Iron and Wine
and i think some Jack Johnson (i was starting to lose consciousness at this point)

anyway.. i blame it on my ipod and the fact i decided to run wearing glasses tongiht.. if you dont look fast you dont run fast.. you know?

tastes like blue...: More Paint...

2006-08-30T07:42:00.000-04:00

I want miso to paint more for me.
tastes like blue...: More Paint...

like an antelope: Run 3

2006-08-28T23:35:00.000-04:00

Stats:
1.76 miles (2.80km)
17:11 mins
9:44 mins/mile
General feeling: emphysemic death
Point of pain: full cardiovascular shutdown.
Sweat Volume: ~5.5 liters

Ugh.. I've been home for a couple hours now and i am still sweating.. maybe because i haven't had the energy to get up and turn on the air conditioning.
shite, i barely have energy to type but i was so proud that i actually ran for two weeks, i felt i had to brag a bit
or at least tell those who may have seen me out that yes, i did make it home alive.
i love my tattoo.
ha

just in case i go missing

2006-08-27T15:34:00.000-04:00

i was always scared s a child because i didn't feel like i had any identifying marks.
this would be an issue if i was abducted my some weirdo with rather low standards.
i could just see the milk carton now:
"average white kid lost. no identifying marks, ah well, who cares, there are plenty of average white kids"
ha, well abduct me now mother fucker!
kill me all you want... they'll be able to identify me now
by my tattoo
yeah.
in the words of an ex-girlfriend's father:
i've "permanently disfigured my body"
and i love it.
(okay, just the disfigured part is from him)

lung function stops

2006-08-23T21:59:00.000-04:00

Stats:
1.61 miles (2.58km)
15:50 mins
9:48 mins/mile
General feeling: Dizzy and coughing black shit
Point of pain: Lungs, brochial tubes
Sweat Volume: ~2.5 liters

oh god.
fuck inverting life.
this shit hurts
so i did my second run in three days, surprising myself in not giving up as quickly as most things that i start.
god.
so i am a bit disappointed because i ran a bit slower than my initial run but i blame that on the lack of smoking today and my undialated broncials..
now im going to drink the remainder of bourbon in the house and search for a hidden cigarette.

bored and dying

2006-08-22T20:49:00.000-04:00

all I've been looking for for the last few months was some time by myself
and here i have it.
and i'm bored and unproductive
not even playing guitar.
i think that's why i'm blogging again.
sad or inspiring, eh?
i think i'll drink a bottle of bourbon.. there is a chance that may make the coming posts more interesting.

yet boobs are off limits?

2006-08-22T20:35:00.000-04:00

Fuck.
i'm watching house now as there is little else on and i cannot bear to be active as i think it destroys the soul and
they just showed a testicle explode on tv
well they didnt show the testicle but they showed
the doctors face when it exploded all over it.
hey. at least life doesn't seem so bad anymore

like a fluffy punching bag

2006-08-22T20:18:00.000-04:00

it was pointed out to me this weekend that there is something about me...
(usually the beginnign of a compliment)
that makes people want to hit me.
that's ludicris you may say
you may not know me.
the best reason i've heard for such a quality is the unqualified statement:
"well, you are an instigator"
also,
"your face just needs to be punched"

to me this may be a bit more understandable if it was strictly a testosterone fueled repeated instance.
but it's not
miso just left me and jersey and i have
bruises
bite marks
and a slight limp that can only be explained by an ill timed comment involving her capital knockers.
alas.
i guess i could keep my mouth shut more often
or filter some of what comes out my mouth
but then i wouldnt be me
i'd be this other person
this other healthier, unbruised
person.
fuck that.

go ahead
punch me

First Run Stats

2006-08-21T22:36:00.000-04:00

1.40 miles (2.25 km)
12.02 minutes
8:35 mins/mile
General feeling: death
Point of pain: Lungs
Sweat Volume: ~ 1.5 liters

talk about inverting life

2006-08-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

jesus.. pant.. sweat...
yeah.. i'm inverting life a bit again..
meet m, a perpetually scrawny, dietary degenerate smoker.
26 having spent the last 8 years getting his only real exercise walking from bar to bar in philadelphia.
he used to be a runner/pseudo athlete: cross country, soccer, track and skiing... but then he met alcohol and work... damn it seems like a lot of effort to go outside when you have a bottle of bourbon and a comfy chair that welcomes you with open arms after 12 hour days. well then the days became 10 hour days and then sometimes even nine hour days.
guess who never resumed exercising.
and drank more
and smoked more.
yeah.
well it never bothered me being skinny and out of shape as long as i was skinny and still possessed what has been termed "freakish upper body strength" and Adonis like "jew legs"...
well then i moved to jersey.
after being 175 for the parts of my adult life that i have not blacked out i suddenly weighed 190. i know, femme.
but i noticed a gut and looked at my 30 something coworkers that were prolly always that skinny guy and now are still skinny guys with peaceable like protrusions between their man tits and drooping belt.
shit.
not me
so i bought the little wiped running dangle (nothing like technology and new toys to inspire me right?)
yeah, that will make me exercise (i think i bought it mid July)
well i got it home, all amped to run and um.
well i don't own running shoes. Just three pairs of Vans in various states of disrepair, paratrooper boots (don't think it didn't cross my mind) and some work shoes... fuck
bought shoes.
Got shoes and was all amped to run.
got avian flu (or if you believe the commie doctor that saw me "strep throat").
well now i'm healthy (yes miso, HEALTHY, as in NON-CONTAGIOUS) and i decided to run.
i used to run 10-15k a few times a week and had a consistent sub 7 minute mile (hey, i was always a sprinter.. anythign over 400m was not meant to be run competitively)
yeah.. lets just say i am not running sub sevens.
i'll start noting my progress here just for you guys that read it to laugh at and mock while happily tapping the ash off your oh so wonderful cigarettes...
mmm.. i think i'll start a nice camel filter.

i don't think they are obese. . .

2006-08-21T16:16:00.000-04:00

So miso came down this previous weekend to visit and party and play.

It was quite wonderful and I had to wonder how I let her stay so far for so long.

And it was her birthday

I gave her a once in a lifetime experience unless you live on the high seas

She got to drink a tequila sunrise while shaking the hand of a honest to god midget, while complimenting a Pirate’s Koi tattoo and simultaneously staring at one of natures most glorious handlebar mustaches…

Hizity-hizot

Anyway, not feeling particularly funny (as this weekend had a rather dangerously high alcohol/sleep ratio) I thought I’d send a note out about a rather interesting group of people (http://www.theoriginalwhatsforlunch.blogspot.com) I hope to be cavorting with in the near future as they seem to have just the right amount of brain damage (said in a loving way) and have all their priorities ranked appropriately (from what I can understand of aforementioned blog).

Here is the premise:

1) I like food!

2) You like food!

3) Sex is good!

4) Alcohol is good!

5) Hangovers blow!

6) Wanna Talk?

Sounds good to me. Its kinda like someone took my id and splattered it all over a computer screen and mixed just a tiny bit of superego in there.

Alas.. checkout the haiku post (http://theoriginalwhatsforlunch.blogspot.com/2006/08/lunch-poets-society.html) as it is my first attempt and breaking into this tight knit society of deadly assassins bent on world domination…

Also, I’ll be humorous later.. maybe tonight and exaggerate some funny stuff about miso’s visit this weekend.

cheers

373

2006-08-20T17:39:00.000-04:00

days since my last post here.
miso just left
me inspired
so here i am
here
posting away
soon
to come

glenda is not a good witch

2005-08-11T20:39:00.000-04:00

Portion of email from my buddy miso:
good news for miso....smelly old guy downstairs is moving
out...hurray!!!! no more gangster movies at full blast at 3 am
scaring me out of bed because i hear gunfire, no more stolen bikes, no
more feral cats on the porch, no more pisshead 9 yr olds knocking on
my door at all hours, and no more checking to see if the old guy with
pneumonia and diabetes is dead to avoid dead old guy stench from
drifting through the heat ducts!!! hurray!!!!

my reply:
yay departure of crazy old guy.. maybe you'll have a rock band move in down stairs or some crazy old lady that thinks you are her daughter even though her daughter died from choking on a trisket when she was six and anyway because she thinks youa re her daughter she leaves everything she owns to you which is surprisingly rather substantial.. you see she is the widow of the guy who invented midol (and god knows what a necessity that is to our society) and regardless of many male's refusal to gointo a red apple or stewarts to pick it up for their current sex bunny or female acquaintance the product has sold quite well over the years not to mentionthe fact that the old lady is rather crazy, having lived through the depression and all and being forced to lick lead based wall paint for simple sustenance which wall paint is rather high in surprisingly primarily due to the shear amount of insect fecal matter that accumulates on them, especially during the depression where vacuums were but a distant dream.
ah dream dream dream..
alas she is crazy and lives on a diet of trisket and peanut butter and is known to gnaw down two or three civil war figurines (you see, they are made out of lead and i guess all those years of chewing baseboards created some long strange addiction) a day.
pooooor glenda, you see her name is glenda which was a major kick in the head when the wizard of oz first be came popular you see.. because she wasn't a mean person but in no means was good (sexually, she was a hellcat, even in old age having done the horizontal mambo with the entire buena vista social club and a bit of in the bed disco with the beegees immediately after the gogos... (she has a weird perversion with repetition and rhyming.. Don't ask me she's crazy)) so when the wizard of oz came out all her acquaintances and parole officers began to refer to her as "Good Witch Gelenda" and boy that pissed her off.. well it wasn't her fault but the parole officer did have it coming, he did call her G Witchie Poo, and he did get to see his internal organs become external which once again, he did deserve. Alas while in court for suspected murder which of course could not be proved as the jury was made of complete morons and glenda (at one time before gravity took over (which was probably around the time that she got Rush Limbaugh addicted to pain killers in response to a rather intimate injury from an intimate position that no one of their age should be video taped in) had a huge rack) while leaving the courthouse started making out with a guy in the hallway because he wore a name tag that said Hello my Name is {heart}... she thought hat was cool and he was wearing a rather thick layer of carmex and she was not and her lips were dry and incidentally did i mention that he invented midol? well he is dead now and she is not but she is abit crazy and is moving in below you so that will be great because when she kicks off due to a rather unfortunate event involving singing in the rain you will assume all of her assets and finally get a chance to sleep for an entire night without worrying if there is someone in your closet (because you've hired Hugo the large Trinadadian immigant to watch the door .. at least thats what you think he is doing.. he doesnt speak much english but he does walk around with out a shirt on a lot and that gives you pleanty of opportunity to chuckle inwardly at his disformed third nipple which has an uncanny resemblance to the State of Idaho.. which makes you laugh more... idaho... i da ho.. hahahah)
well good luck with glenda and hugo and Hello My name is {heart}.. please dont forget me in yoru new found glory
--m

no i don't do drugs

ovarian Tribulations

2005-06-04T12:12:00.000-04:00

i wouldnt trade my testicles for the world...
brit came in last night through some mircle (she was supposed to leave boston at 730pm and i got a call at 740 saying that the flight was delayed and chances are she would be rescheduled for the 1am flight (opportunity to get fubared?? YES!) but then she called frantically relaying that she was getting on a plane only 20 mins late so all was saved) anyway.. we talked (thats what we do) and drank copious amounts of cheap french wine (which we are also known for--and as an aside (because there are not enough parenthetical references in my blogs) i heart george deboeuf.. the mofer makes great wines chuggable... his beaujoiules (i took spanish okay?!) is to die for or from.. soo good) (note i forgot how many closing parens are requisit now so foff!)))))))
anyway point of blog: ovaries... they make you do weird things... here is a girl self described as a lazy mofer that is willing to spend upwards of 30 mins applying a small country worth of face additives... seriously must have been ten bottles of this shit.. it made me dizzy... and this is prior to going to bed.. i mean once i decide that i am going to pass the f out i go to said area of sleeping and pass the f out.. i mean, i cannot be bothered to take out my contacts and there she is applying antigravity creme (i swear! there is shit labeled "anti-gravity creme".. very sci fi eh?) at three in the morning after the ingestion of a couple bottles of wine... now she is back in the bathroom doing it all over again!
yeah, i have an extra 2 hrs in my day that i can dedicate to appying things that are dissapearing into my skin... i've rarely spend this much time making up myself for halloween!
argfuck..
its still hilarious..
but my tummy is rumbly and i am afraid i will be waiting for another 6 layers of unidentified substance to be applied to her face before we're allowed to venture forth to eat...
sweet christ...

damn.. i forgot about hair drying..

maybe i should just make dinner reservations now..

(this blog is dedicated to people who wake up beautiful like myself (ie throw on deoderant and some tooth scrubbing and are immediately ready to grab life by the gonads))

the Red room and the Black dog

2005-06-01T23:58:00.000-04:00

unrelated i assure you...
so i'm smoking in the courtyard for the uncountableth time and i notice something .. there is huge apt building about a block away, blocking out the majority of the western sky... and there, about 6 floors up is a window, emitting only red light... in retrospect i think i've noticed this a couple times before but it was now that i began thinking about what kinda person limits themselves to red light all the time... a photographer? a satanist? someone really fucking colorblind? i dont know.. im over it.. but it will prolly reappear in posts later as i come up with new possibilities of the deranged lunatic that lives a block away...
so my roommate is dogsitting this week.. which means i inherently am.. i like it.. ive always had dogs when i lived with my parents and now realize that maybe owning a dog is a life aspiration.. i had a funny commentary about owning dogs but im tiredly uncreative and i would rather limit this blogoogogog to humor.. (i know i've been failing at it recently, im pretty sure that brit's appearance will inspire me fully)..
alas alack write me back

where oh Where?

2005-06-01T15:42:00.000-04:00

on a drafting table
in a trunk

     going 90 on 96
kitchen table
someone elses kitchen table
someone elses bathroom counter
     while they are home
abandon tents in the woods
parking garage
     in the middle of the day
behind a movie screen
     during a movie
in cinderella's castle
in reseach forest's parking lot

--
¡♠U

2005-05-31T22:16:00.000-04:00

Who need Eyebrows.. not youngen

2005-05-31T22:14:00.000-04:00

i dont feel liek rotating it, but the premise is take a beer case, drink out its insides, light one end on fire and put the other end on your head.. i feel like we should all have a drink for skidz and weeble for this priceless picture

2005-05-31T22:13:00.000-04:00

Its oneAM, we're drunk yet somehow we are able to construct nav lights for the boat: ingredients: plastic cups, flashlights, water bottle and a bandana

don't Subject me to this

2005-05-27T13:53:00.000-04:00

so i am sitting here waiting for the weekend to arrive or some damn email, when i realized how funny my inbox is (not a sexual reference.. i have no inbox).. at least it is funny to me..

HILARIOUS...

anyway.. here is basically every subject in there except for a couple reminding me to pay loans or check out the newest products on amazon..

fuck amazon... anyway .. on with the show

languid lamentations of legume like lepers
cubist buddhist: not so soft
cliche but still a bit humorous
Behold her felate my boy big wang like a vacuum and get strained in the end
pretties.
fireflies and rattlesnakes
you should be a happy yogi
yogi happy yogi laugh
It's made of people
i love her somehow
quit eating the paste
our next guest can jump rope with his small intestines
201 reasons to be happy...
Re: Toast in the Post
Memorial Day Weekend Shyte in Saratoga Springs
that worked poorly via phone
the voices....oh man, the voices
you get work done?
sql as in where?!?
holy naked muppets, batman!!
bob barker very well may be a puppy licker
remembering what is lost
shovel glove
get me this job...
elegant elephants elope in eurasia
monday sunshine leads to tuesday rain
heaven.
bemused and confused and obtuse
leather Clad Eyelids
Plan for today and horror of yesterday and dreams of the day before
ta ta's
sleeping rather than talking
or this one.
yo soy un matador
Organic Soybean Petrochemical
a note from boobie-lovers annonymous...
An Excercise in Sanity
fuzzy wuzzy was an axe muderer.
New Market Intelligence Centers
Waste silly string rules.
dolt.
liptons cup o' noodles
mess-ed up mess-age
alive cabrone?
Beware of God, may bite
herbaceously longing
el lonely boy
Re: Your Friend Sent You a Lick From IFILM.com
i like pop tarts
You have one $595,000. Visit our website to claim (this is actually an email i composed to brit.. not your run of the mill spam)
running through the sprinklers is underrated.
Sansom Brown ALe
Now we know why pastey was cuddling with a certain person at seis de mayo
3 o clock 4 o clock...
tequila hates me
The Dark Crystal Muppets take over a 7/11
congenital Loss of Limbs
It's pretty much the best weekend
bike-a-thon to support liver eaters.
a bad hair day due to humidity?
Lemon-Lime Hillbillies
now who's the corporate tool

--
¡♠U

irony?

2005-05-26T23:48:00.000-04:00

so i work with older people
the youngest guy i work with is 40...
i dont have people my own age to hang with..
solution: go to a bar tongith and get wrecked (with a high markup) with people my own age...
porblem wiht solution: i end up spending the night reminiscing with a 77 year old about the good old days for 2 hrs..
fuck
dont get me wrong.. im such a whore for affection now that i was happy to do it...
it just makes me what to eat my own brain until i die..
alas... irony

.. hellp...

lifeInverted

2005-05-26T20:52:00.000-04:00

so i just wrote a few hundred words about depression (actually explained lifeInverted a bit).. beautiful verse that was a waste of twenty minutes... then i decided that publishing it out would allow it to exist.. that whole tagline: reality is 99%... blah blah blah.. so ignore what you feel, think what you want to feel and bam.. you feel it..
more like baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam (it takes a while)
so i want to go out drinking.. it is thursday...
better than monday and tuesday where i said the same thing... god knows it's the four hrs of law and order that are keeping me from doing it..
arg...
um so..
happy thoughts
happy thoughts..
this weekend is to Upstate to camp with skidz, a guy i formerly hated (we lived together) and last time i saw him i was punched in my precious gonads twice, his girlfriend and my roommate.. (btw, that guy is actually one of my best friends)... should be fun, i love camping love outside love drinking love fire... i dotn konw why the thought of it isn't making me quiver with excitment yet. there is something wrong deep.. alas.. anyway back to happy thoughs
then just four little days of work and brit is flying in... i cannot wait... i want to spend the longest weekend of my life with her.. something about her makes me feel uncomfortably comfortable and im assuming the only time we won't be talking is during the moments laughing at stupid people around us...
god i can't wait... still maybe it's the temporal expanse before then, but it hasnt brightened my disposition yet..
(haha, this comedian just said ". . . and then you'd have a sheep full of dead ducks . . .")
anyway... life will rawk
days will roll
and ill have luck
after this lull