Vegan Food Reviews: Boca Bratwurst

I've enjoyed mocking the average vegan foods so much that i'm quite disappointed to review Boca's Bratwurst. They're fcking good. Maybe it is because your average sausage, even when made of animal, rarely resembles something that that was once loved by its mother. Loved before it was cruelly bashed over a head with a hammer, its throat slit and a rabbi was enlisted to say a short prayer.
Anyway, because they were able to make tofu of varying densities (such realistic gristle!) they were able approximate the average sausage. There is a bit of that tell-tale grittiness that seems to occur in most fake meats but other that, it's spot on. It doesn't even have that famous latex-condom-like casing that not-dogs are so famous for. Ugh. i just vomited a bit.
Anyway, aside from the cost, these are pretty great and don't even grill up badly... there isn't even the large, black heating boils that you may see in other products (i'm looking at you tofupups)

The Vegan Experiment Week 5

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 27
Breakfast: Bagel and peanut butter, Dinner: 2 Boca-brats and tater tots
178.2 lbs 15% Body Fat

Day 28
Lunch: Jalepeno Chips and Rosemary and Olive Oil Chips PostLunch: 10 Vegetable Gyozo Dinner: General Tsao's Tofu
181.4 lbs 17% Body Fat

Vegan Food Review 2 - Vegan Gourmet Cheese Alternative

Well I was unsurprised how uncheese like something labeled "Cheese Alternative" was. There was something reminiscent of the flavor of cheese (Monterey Jack Flavor) in there.. then again, you could say the same thing about a thin slice of shortening. In 18 point font it promises "It Melts!"
It doesn't.. at least after being left on a heating boca burger for 20 minutes or after a minute or two of microwaving. Regardless of heating, or time in the fridge, it has the consistency of regular firm tofu and a slightly crumbly texture when chewed.
All that being said.. with enough bourbon in your bloodstream as well as a hunger that can only be born of a month of veganism.. you can imagine that it could be a dairy product. and consistency-less, mostly flavorless dairy product. It actually adds something wonderful to the average boca burger, so i'll continue to rock it for the month.. but i suggest you never do.

From the website (www.imearthkind.com), here is a fan review... apparently, vegans are all high as shit and have no concept as what cheese should be like:
Some comments from our customers:

".....I have been vegan for over 13 years and have tried every vegan cheese I could find. Most of them were terrible. Until I came acrosss your cheese a couple years ago and now that it is sold on the west side, I can have easy access to it. I just wanted say I hope you have great success because I LOVE your cheese. I sometimes put it on sandwiches, make a grilled cheese or my favorite thing to do is to make delicious vegan tacos."

Road's End Shells and Chreese

Road's End Chreese Site
I really didn't expect these to be so bad as i thought of all the pounds of reconstituted powdered cheese that i had eaten over the years that had been produced by Kraft.
First of all, as you can see by the box: it states very clearly "Vegan." Well, by the time you get to the third item in the directions, they are telling you to add 1/4 cup of milk product. Having sworn off soy milk and not having read the directions before i got home, i didn't know what to do. I just assumed that something labeled "vegan" wouldn't ask you to add milk at any point. If you are going to be a vegan meal, figure out a way to make it so your customer only has to add water or something. anyway.. i approximated milk by mixing olive oil, water and salt.
i followed the directions and .. well it smelled like ass.
not cheesy ass... just plane stank. after a bit more heating, it did get a bit of a melty cheese texture.. but the stank never went away. Flavor? almost none. not bad flavor, just none.
well.. after a bit of franks red hot, cumin, garlic and salt, the smell was overcome and it ended up tasting like red hot and garlic (!).
soo.. it ended up not being bad. it was like slightly old pan of normal mac and cheese that was flavored with a 1/2 cup of red hot.
End Score 4 out of 10 tofu beasts

The Vegan Experiment Week 4

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 20 (Vegan with fake Meats Begin!)
Lunch Boca Bratwurst with soy fake cheese on pitas. A side of shells and not cheese sauce. Dinner: Tofurkey

Day 21
Lunch: jalapeño chips Dinner: General Tsao Tofu
177.4 lbs 16% body fat
General Feeling: mondays make m cry

Day 22
Lunch: miso soup, yaki soba sans chicken Dinner: two boca burgers with soy monterey jack and fake bacon
178.6 lbs 16% body fat
General Feeling: sad and overworked

Day 23
Lunch: rosemary and olive oil chips Dinner: garlic chips
176.2 lbs 15% body fat
General Feeling: silly drunk to they point of not being able to control what i say


Day 24
Lunch: vegetable wrap with cucumber, lettuce, sprouts and carrots Dinner: two boca burgers with vegan gourmet cheese alternative and smart bacon (fake shit)
177.0 lbs 16% body fat
General Feeling: drunk and sated


Day 25
Lunch: rosemary and olive oil chips Dinner: two boca burgers with vegan gourmet cheese alternative and smart bacon (fake shit)
178.2 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: happy for fridays


Day 25
Lunch: homefries PreDinner: Bourbon, Dinner: vegetable curry of some sort, Post-dinner: Bourbon
General Feeling: i don't remember. my liver aches

Elijah v. Veganism

Take this how you want and believe what you want, but i didn't eat meat yesterday because i had any unavoidable desire for it. Yes, i am very bored with this full-on dietary veganism, but that wasn't enough justification for me to eat meat. I went to my house to have passover dinner, so i did. Brisket and all.

After a discussion with mau, she agreed that i had proven whatever i needed at this level, so i decided that for fun, i'll start at the next level--the level that involves fake meats. After a short trip to whole foods i now have:
Tofurkey, Boca Bratwursts, some type of chicken nuggets, tofu taco "meat", soy "cheese" Monterey Jack Cheese and some Shells and "cheddar" mac and "cheese." When i get the chance, i'll review these individual assaults on god.

The Vegan Experiment Week 3

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 13
Lunch: salsa and tortilla chips Dinner: tofu nd noodles in yellow curry
179.4 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: still a bit hung over

Day 14
Lunch: salt and pepper chips, Pre-dinner: salt and pepper chips and blue tortilla chips Dinner: general tsao tofu, vegetable spring roll, chive pancake
179.2 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: sick and tired of tofu

Day 15
Lunch: Falafels and Hummus Dinner: tortilla chips and salsa
180.2 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: bored with food and really not any healthier

Day 16
Lunch: Jalepeno Chips and Salt and Vinegar Chips Dinner: Garlic Fries, Post-Dinner: Some sort of leftover tofu and asparagus chinese dish
179.4 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: drunk and bored

Day 17
Lunch: Rosemary and Olive Oil Chips Dinner: Fried Potatoes and Tofu with Red Hot
177.6 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: drunk and tired and bored

Day 18
Lunch: Rosemary and Olive Oil Dinner: Couscous and tofu in BBQ sauce and salt potatoes
176.4 lbs 16% body fat
General feeling: So done with this (being vegan isn't amusing any more.. just boring and a pain in the ass)


Day 19
Lunch: Pistachios and chips and other snacks Dinner: gifilte fish, matzo, kugel and brisket (it was passover at my parents)
179.0 lbs 16% body fat
General feeling: very full of course but i was surprised my body didnt react violently to the reintroduction to meat (even if it was a relatively small amount)

The Vegan Experiment Week 2

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 6
Breakfast: 3 Hashbrowns, Peanut butter on Toast, Dinner: rice noodles and tofu in soy sauce
180.0 lbs 15% body fat (weight taken ~10pm)
General Feeling: Drunk and Tired

Day 7
Lunch: Salt and Vinegar Chips, Dinner: Tofu and Pasta with tomato sauce and red hot. Post Dinner: Pickles
180.2 lbs 17% body fat (weight taken ~10pm)
General Feeling: Googly Eyes

Day 8
Lunch: Jalapeño Potato Chips, Pre-dinner: Tortilla Chips, Dinner: Tofu and Pasta with a horrible homemade thai peanut sauce (note: red hot does not belong in all recipes).
179.0 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: Not hungry anymore... my muscles are kinda sore.. like i worked out yesterday. Yesterday i walked between my bed and the futon

Day 9
Lunch: Tofu Soba, General Tsao Chicken from Veggie Heaven (fking amazing!)
179.2 lbs 16% body fat
General Feeling: very not hungry, tired, not sore at least

Day 10
Lunch:fettuccine and pesto, Dinner: bourbon, Post dinner: Tofu and pasta with horrible homemade thai peanut sauce (note: red hot does not belong in all recipes (even after a night of refrigeration), a box of triscuts
178.6 lbs 16% body fat (weight taken at 12:40 am)
General Feeling: drunk and ravenous

Day 11
Lunch: Salt and Vinegar Chips, Predinner: Pickle, Dinner: Tofu and Pasta drenched in redhot and vinegar!
179.6 lbs 15% body fat (weight taken at 12:40 am)
General Feeling: drunk and ravenous

Day 12
Lunch: Triskets Predinner: Pickle, Pitas and Hummus Dinner: thai red curry tofu (it was like a pound of tofu)
180.8 lbs 15% body fat (weight taken at 5:10 pm)
General Feeling: graceful like a baby gazelle

The Vegan Experiment Week 1

All weights taken at approx 7pm (before dinner) unless otherwise noted

Day 1
Lunch: Tofu Pad Thai, Dinner: Pasta and Tomato Sauce
182.8 lbs 18% body fat
General Feeling: Crappy and Tired
Day 2
Lunch: Jalapeño Potato Chips, Tofu and Rice Noodles in Soy Sauce and Sesame Oil
180.0 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: Hungry and Tired
Day 3
Lunch: "Salad" (Spinich, Carrot, Bell Peppers), Dinner: Garlic Fries, Post DInner: Tofu and pasta in Basil and Garlic
179.6 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: Really Hungry and Nic Fitty
Day 4
Lunch: A shitton of tortilla chips and salsa, Nopalitos Burrito and a Guacamole Burrito (no cheese), Dinner: Tofu and Israeli Couscous
181.0 lbs 17% body fat
General Feeling: Always hungry but damn sexy regardless of the fact i regained weight
Day 5
Lunch: Hummus and Pita, Salsa and Chips, Dinner: Hummus and Pita, Falafel Wrap
183.6 lbs 16% body fat (weight taken after dinner and drinks ~11pm
General Feeling: Drunk and Tired

mustache March Ends, Vegan April Begins

As a joke, i began inviting participants into mustache march. god knows what happened but the next thing i knew i had made it through the mockery and facial hideousness that come with a month of mustaches.

Unfortunately, march ends on april 1st. April Fools Day.

You know what is funny, vegans. That'll be my joke this year.

Damn, you don't think i can do it!? i just made it though mustache march, i can do anything. fuck. no animal products? yeah. i can do it.

stupid, stupid m.

So here are the rules: i have no illusions that i will be able to fully do this.. so i'll do my best. there are many levels of vegetarianism, peaking somewhere near veganism.. (note, i'm skipping the wearing no animal products phase as i don't want to buy new clothes. also, i'm cooking my food. fking raw food vegans)

• I'll start off as a vegan and do my best to keep with it.
  
• As I fail, i'll move up the foodchain and become slightly less of a vegetarian and work to stay at that level.
  
• Vegan (Not eat any animal products or animal derivatives: Meat, Fish,
• Vegan who wants meat (a vegan diet with fake meats and cheese)
  
• Dairy, Eggs, Gelatin)
• Lacto vegetarian (allow milk products)
• Lacto-ovo vegetarian (allow milk and egg)
• Pescetarian (allow fish)
• Pollotarian (allow chicken)
• Jewarian (allow beef, but no pork of shellfish)
  
• No-Red Meatarian (everything but beef)
• Failurian (eat as i do now)
  
• i'll not be an asshole vegan. (in restaurants, i will not complain about the lack of vegan foods and will not ask for anything beyond the removal of cheese or egg (and of course i'll not order the meat based items))
• Aside from while at home where i can easily look at ingredient lists, i'm going to use basic logic to decide whether a food is vegan compliant.. i won't ask the poor server to lookup the animal content of a food
• Booze is not an animal product
• I'll document my weight, body fat percentage and general feeling of health each day as well as my best recollection of what i ate.

I think that is everything.. let me know if you think i forgot anything or if you want to make generally disparaging remarks.

Starting stats: 182.8 lbs, 18% body fat, I generally feel crappy and tired
Meals: Tofu Pad Thai and Pasta with Tomato Sauce