My First Funeral

My grandmother died this last friday. It was sad.
On the upside, she was beautiful and hopefully some of those genes are latent in me, to be passed to my children

The Spark that Bled

So i came home today, only to be told that i may have been stabbed in the skull. I was at work, in a class, frustrated with the stupidity of those around me and I have no idea what happened to me.

No, Thank you Flaming Lips


I accidentally touched my head
And noticed that I had been bleeding
For how long I didn’t know
What was this, I thought, that struck me?
What kind of weapons have they got?
The softest bullet ever shot

I stood up and I said, yeah!
I stood up and I said, yeah!
I stood up and I said, hey! Yeah!

From this moment on
Blaring like a trumpet
Coming from above us and somewhere below
The confidence of knowing
Descending to relieve us of the struggle
To believe it’s so

I stood up and I said, yeah!
I spoke up and I said, hey!
I stood up and I said, hey! Yeah!

And it seemed to cause a chain reaction
It had momentum, it was gaining traction
It was all the rage, it was all the fashion
The outreached hands had resigned themselves
To holding onto something that they never had
And that’s too bad
'Cause in reality there was no reaction

I accidentally touched my head
And noticed that I had been bleeding
For how long I didn’t know

Buying a 36 Year Old Car (and driving it across the country) -- thurs night - fri morning

So, if I hadn't told you in the last week or so, I've been talking to a guy I found on ZCar.com and finally agreed to buy his 1971 Datsun 240Z. Within a week i had bought a one way ticket to Phoenix, AZ and was unable to sleep from nervous anticipation.

Next thing I knew I was having a couple bourbons on the plane and i realized i was actually on my way. I met up with Kimmie at the Airport and our friend Sophie and her boyfriend Scott picked us up and brought us to their place for the night. (Fact of the night from these archeologists: You can tell burrned bone from charcol because bone sticks to your tongue.)



I'm only telling this part of the story because it is releavant to me getting pulled over later. So, the day before i left i attempted to get the car added to my insurance. Well, the website didnt' have any cars before 1981 on it, so i had to call them to get it added. Basically, my insurance guy said that he couldn't give me any proof of insurance because it took a while for it to get into the system. The morning after we arrived in phoenix, i checked the insurance website and found they had put a datsun on my insurance! Hurray! Wait.. a 1981 Datsun 280ZX with a VIN number totally unlike what i had repeated twice to the guy on the phone the day before. FUCK.

So, i called the company and found out that because they didn't have the car in the system, they put in a temporary car and vin number.. thanks esurance, that helps. So, my new favorite insurance woman tells me that i can get a "letter of experience." basically its proof of insurance if you don't have the card. an hour later on hold at the local office max they had faxed me it. (did you know that it is not legal for them to email you it? it's because it's too easy to edit them. yeah... because a fax is so much harder to modify. i hate them.

The next post will be on the actual purchasing of the Z and the first couple days drive.

What You Don't Want Your Tattoo Artist to Say:

"Oh Fuck"

Guess who got to hear that?

me.

This is about an hour into my most recent tattoo.

Fearing the worst, i said nothing and didn't look down.

Tattoo Guy: "Shit, shit, shit. I never do this... How badly did you want the triangles to look like how you drew them?"

me: "..."

Tattoo Guy: "I never do this... some of these loopy designs though..."

me: "..."

Tattoo Guy: "Don't worry, we can make it work..."

The end of the story is a happy one, he filled in the triangles with a inner halo (as he described it) and i do like the look of it... but i still don't want to hear the guy putting permanent ink into my dermis say "Oh Fuck..." ever again.

about m:

Camper 0
Codename: Trogdor
I initially thought that writing my own bio would be a challenge. But then i realized.. "Who knows how great I am better than me? (and who uses the appropriate number of parentheses)" Well, I am the guy that put this together. I am the one with the ability to bring together such a diverse group of societal miscreants for the common cause of getting wasted in the outdoors. Hailing from the Bay Area originally, I grew up in Upstate NY (practically Wilderness Camping in its own right) and soon learned that without the ability to make your own fire, the winters could be very, very cold (frostbite, contrary to public opinion, is not pleasant). Known for my inane commentary and ability to take a vicious head butt, I am the guy you want on your side after a fight begins (but likely got you in the fight in the first place). Keep your cigarettes and your liquor away from me... I've been known to lash out when either are lacking.
Drink: Bourbon (the cheap kind) and homebrews (the free kind)

one more bio

Camper 13
Codename: Clusteruck
The real question with this camper is what is he not known for? Well, that and his unabashed sensuality. How much sensuality, you may ask. Well so much that you, my poor little nugget, can only handle one day with this little ball of fun. What makes him so overwhelming for the uninitiated masses? Glad you asked. He can ruck over the average girl scout troop without either a blink or a even a flesh wound to his sense of guilt Without a thought of self preservation, he will light an empty cardboard case of beer atop his head and run around a bone dry forest giggling manically? Is this not enough to convince you? Well, show up, drink up and he'll show you why he is loved and feared simultaneously by all who dare to bask in his presence.
Drink: Yuengling Premium (from a used cleat)

Another Couple Bios

Camper 11
Codename: Purple Onesie
Mixing the art of bodybuilding with fine art, Purple Onesie works in a medium you can only dream of. Don't be confused by his steely eyes or ability to bench a volvo, all purple Onesie really wants is a boyfriend to tenderly place a sweater upon his shoulders when it gets too cold. Although he may be one of the less experienced campers on this journey, he is also one of the few that can run down a wild boar and put it in a suplex. When we run low on food, you'll thank him for this skill.
Drink: Vodka and Soda

Camper 12
Codename: The Bear
Born in the mountains of west Tennessee, The Bear, never saw a sandwich or a pair of scissors until he was 25. Since then, he has been more than making up for lost time, cutting sandwiches in half almost daily. This will be his primary role on our expedition, so if you have a tough roast beef on ciabatta, just bring it to him. He'll know what to do. Also, he has tunneling and demolitions experience par excellence!
Drink: The Blood of his Enemies

Second Round of Bios

Camper 6
Codename: Sexy Time
Sexy Time introduced me to skanking. No, not that type... the kind involving ska music and checkerboard suspenders. I don't know where he picked it up, it could have been in one of the thousands of places that he lived in growing up or it could be just another one of those skills he picked up while break-dancing his way through college (true story, that's how he financed his junior year). Realizing midway through his master's year that professional dancing wouldn't finance his extravagant lifestyle, he decided to move into the glamorous field of Direct Mailing. Yeah, you know those credit card offers you get everyday? He sends them.
Drink: Stella

Camper 7
Codename: Raynbo
This one is practically a legend. Famous (infamous? i always forget the difference) for his quadruple chambered liver, he has proven that alcohol abuse, while tragic, is usually a good time. The great outdoors may be the proper place for such a creature as this, as he has been known to kick through a plate glass door simply because he could and the second bottle of Jim Beam told him to. When not proving that "one more round" is usually a good idea, he can be found (sometimes with myself in tow) singing outside the L-train (usually poor covers of Guns 'n Roses or The Beatles) while weakly holding a Styrofoam container hoping to finance the next weekend.
Drink: Winecoolers, bourbon and scotch.

Camper 8
Codename: Poprocks

You may not notice it at first, but on hour eight or nine you will. Poprocks runs on an unknown and inexhaustible source of energy. It's believed that in the years training to be a material scientist she discovered something that has given her this superhero-like power. How would you harness this power if you were blessed with this gift? Poprocks channels this energy into her two main activities: smiling and Ultimate Frisbee. Now that you know that, you know you shouldn't mention her height—she can take off your head with a plastic disc at 200 meters.
Drink: Anything with a high sugar content

Camper 9
Codename: Redneck
All you need to know about this girl is that you've never met her. Got it? She was never there, didn't see anything and knows even less. Okay, I'll tell you, but this is just between you and me. She grew up on the mean streets of Newark, NJ, kicking ass and taking names. He pseudonym then was the "Mighty Meerkat." Well, lets just say she saw something, something that had the potential to put some people in a "family" away for a long time. Thankfully, the feds got to her first and this formerly red haired Irish gem, went under some extensive reconstructive surgery. After a short stint in a unknown ivy league school in upstate NY, her cover was finally blown (long story involving a bottle of Soco, a drumstick and a very unhappy Iranian). She was forced to assume a new identity and move south. Real south. So don't laugh at her pathetic southern accent, she's just trying to sell the part.

Drink: Yes

Camper 10
Codename: Feeders
You ever meet someone and immediately know that some day you'll see his picture on tv, demanding ransom from the UN with a army of killer robots standing in formation behind him? Well, Feeders may be that guy. I knew it on the first night we went out drinking. After helping to prevent a fight between an associate of ours and a Grip from the Real World Philadelphia, he began barking at a poor girl walking her dog down Second. Now based out of DC, he's got a whole new population to psychologically torture. Don't let his goofy smile fool you, he's a evil genius in the making. Sure, he started off scheduling Tractor Trailers (not be the most intelligent army), but look in his eyes, the killbots cannot be that far away.

Drink: Another Beer.

Best Survey Results So Far

Okay.. so hopefully I'm going camping with you. Yes *you*! What, you
haven't written me back yet? Well get on it! Yeah.. some planning has
to be done... Here are some of the best answers I've received for each
section... you may submit more than once if you are upset that your
suggestion didn't make it

First Questions (Are you the right person to camp with me?):

Did you read Lord of the Flies and think, "why not me?"
Read?
*Right dude, I read that right after Gone with the Wind.
*No, but I did with Batman.

Do you live in fear of our technology rising up against us?
*yes... the evil robots

Did you call Steve Irwin a Pussy?
*It's weird you wrote, as I'd been calling Steve Irwin a pussy
all morning!

Has it been months or years since you've actually seen a star or you
believe the sky is actually made of smog?
*Star light, star bright, first star I've seen in my life, I wish I may...

Is the "Man" bringing you down?
*I'm unemployed! I guess that makes me the man!!!
*You're the man now, dog!

And finally, the survey questions... I usually tried to choose my
favorite, but if I couldn't decide, both are there.
1) Are you interested at all?
*Yes, I'm fucking interested.

2) How interested are you (1-10 with ten being most interested)?
*7 as it's the largest prime number in the possible result set
*I'm interested enough to sniff your butt to find out if I'm interested in being more interested. So that's like a 5 or 6.

3) Kitchen is to Microwave as Campsite is to ________?
*I got a 490 on this portion of the SATs.. campfire?
*Kitchen is to microwave as campsite is to true love

4) Where do you want to go camping (if you have any preference)?
*Close to a trainstation

a. If you have no preference, what criteria do you look for in a
campground?
*In my pants.
*preferably near naked coeds

b. Can you swim?
*Yeah but I almost drown a couple summers ago.
*Yes, but just because I used to be a lifeguard doesn't mean I'm going to save anyone else who can't

c. Can you canoe? Kayak? Pilot a motor boat? Do you own any of
those?
*I can swamp two of the three

5) How long do you want to go for?
*Until we run out of food and alcohol

6) What dates are umpossible?
*Your mom unfortunately.

7) What dates are preferred?
*As the president of the Provisionals' fan club I'll go whenever a member of the band will be there
*I prefer my dates to have good hygiene, be tall, and pay.

8) What gear would you need to acquire/borrow/steal?
sleeping bag, tent, car, food, money, women,
prophylactics

9) Do you have a car or would you be able to get a ride with
someone who did?
i dunno, are you someone?

10) Do you have any dietary restrictions? (You will not be considered
for a spot if you have a peanut allergy).
*People with food allergies should be killed and eaten by the rest of us that aren't pussies.
*I need to eat every 17 minutes and if I don't, I will eat a different nonessential part of your body until I get some s'mores

11) Comments, additional questions:
*Sometimes I think that the clothes that I don't take on vacation with me feel bad that they weren't included and talk shit about me while I'm gone.

12) Haiku
Mud between my toes; whisky, the sounds of voices; the smell of
campfires.

I really enjoyed; Dan Akroyd and John Candy; In The Great Outdoors

im gonna haiku; haiku the shit out of it; haiku its brains out

The sun shines brightly; but my skin is still so white; oh yeah, I'm inside

we'll have outdoors sex; instead...i'm an engineer; don't do poetry

(note: the following is not a haiku... it's okay, she was an engineer)
Once there was a girl from Philly
Who moved to New York and felt silly,
She worked for UPS,
Cried from the stress,
And moved to Vermont where it's hilly.

Crew Bios

Here is the first Installment... if you see yourself and are NOT
coming, let me know. If you don't see yourself and are DEFINITELY
coming, let me know.

More Bios to come.

Camper 1
Codename: The Dirty Mexican
A former downhill skier from Upstate NY, he moved west to find his
fortune. Pursuing a career in ROCK while spending his free time
playing with geosynchronous satellites, he currently resides in San
Diego California. When he heard about the trip, he exclaimed in his
own quiet manner: Fuck yeah, I'm there. Don't be confused by his
swarthy appearance, he only rarely will pillage your village.
Drink: Microbrews or Vodka tea

Camper 2
Codename: Mau
Having lived in both Long Island and New Jersey, educated in
engineering and hating of all things hotdog, she may be the most
naturally adept outdoors woman in the history of the world (part I).
Don't be fooled by her batting eyelashes or sensuous lips, she is a
cold blooded killer and will cut you as soon as share her Malibu and
coke. Three days without an outlet to charge for her various
electronics will test her mettle.
Drink: Malibu and {Coke, Cranberry, Pineapple}

Camper 3
Codename: The Confused
The Confused is now in training for her second career (the east coast
one) as an unscrupulous litigator. Having lived in Beautiful San
Diego for a couple years, she found herself missing the assholish and
ugly population of the east cost. Weather? Yeah, that too, it was
just toooooooooo nice out there. After finding that the populous of
Boston doesn't have the biting wit the were advertised to have, she
has agreed to come camping with us in search of a new level of light
speed banter.
Drink: Bourbon or Red Wine

Camper 4
Codename: Juicy (no pants)
Another former disgruntled employee, Juicy has recently found himself
in the business of "Consulting". Why the air quotes, translated into
real quotes when placed in text, you ask? Well, rumor is that said
consulting gig has resulted in inordinate amounts of "work" from home.
The guy from "Supersize Me" is currently filming a special on "30
Days: Without Pants" with our Juicy as his subject. Note: Juicy is
currently assembling a small army to join him on this trip. He will
be providing the Bios for these Wacky Sacks of People-meat.
Drink: Miller Lite

Camper 5
Codename: Cheetos
No one is sure why she is called Cheetos, but ever after her vacation
with the Peace Corps in depressed areas of Jamaica, she has insisted
on being called Cheetos. She is seen occasionally sneaking around
lower Manhattan looking for places with cheap booze and outdoor
smoking areas. Little else is known about this camper other than she
has feet worthy of a [insert fancy shoe brand here] and her interests
are Fortran and costal modeling.
Drink: Rum, straight, any color, in a tall glass.

Day 5 (after the binge)

a little vacation? if by vacation you mean binge drinking and smoking, yes. a weekend in pittsburgh was enough to convince me my body wasn't fit to do what you guys call "exercise"
well. a mutton dinner and a few bloody marys (hoying recipe of course) and i'm back to building that body i should have been born with (ha!).
anyway:
situps: 80
pushups: 40
pullups: 4
smokes: 3
weight: 190

just another day at the downs

M (mph) [4:46 PM]:
{in distance}<beep> <beep>
M (mph) [4:46 PM]:
m: <turns head questioningly.. hair whips back and forth in the
sunlight>
M (mph) [4:47 PM]:
{he can just barely make out a yellow dot on the horizon.. not sure what
it is, he begins walking in the other direction... at a steadily
quickening pace}
M (mph) [4:47 PM]:
{the ground begins to slightly shake.. a rumbling vibrates through the
air}
M (mph) [4:48 PM]:
matt: "ugh" {a paranoid moan escapes his lips as he feels his own doom
on the horizon}
M (mph) [4:49 PM]:
{suddenly, it's upon him.. he attempts to scream in terror but suddenly
feels strong, capable and friendly hands grabbing him}
M (mph) [4:49 PM]:
(that's right) he thinks (my partners would never let me get hit by a
mode of ground transportation)
M (mph) [4:50 PM]:
{suddenly the momentum changes and he looks back in sudden disbelief at
their intent eyes}
M (mph) [4:50 PM]:
(yes) he realizes, (my coworkers won't hesitate to throw me under the
bus)
M (mph) [4:51 PM]:
{the bus drives on, wheels slowly losing their bloody sheen... uncaring,
for it was just another innocent, thrown under the bus by

day MOTHERFUCKIN FOUR

yeah.. i came BACK from the bar and worked out...
situps: 80
pushups: 42
pullups: 5
smokes: 6
weight: 189
oh yeah... and lost A MOTHERFUCKIN POUND!!
w007.
i had a salad for lunch (and some oreos) and had calamari (thai) and more salad for dinner.
time to go to pittsburgh and consume 5000cal/day (in alcohol alone).
cheers!

day 3 (can you believe it??)

situps: 80
pushups: 45
pullups: 5
smokes: 3
weight: 190
and get this: for lunch i had a salad!
ruined it all though when i met my parents out for dinner... had a panini with palm hearts, tomato, brie and some type of smoked italian beef...
we'll i'm sore as hell (hey, it's been three days!) so i'm going to sit here and watch colbert while i wonder in amazment about tonights broken record (3 days in a row of non-cardio exercise!)

day 2

situps: 80
pushups: 40
pullups: 5
smokes: 3
weight: 190
and food wise:
no snacks (aside from three st. patrick's chocolate donut holes (make your chocolate salty balls jokes... now) double turkey burger for lunch and 1/2 box of kraft mac and cheese for dinner (With Water!) and i plan on drinking less than a bottle of wine.
also, did i mention i exercise to the Katamari Damacy Soundtrack? yeah.. situps to Fugue #7777

day 1

situps: 80
pushups: 40
pullups: 4
smokes: 4
weight: 190

DST resolutions

if i haven't ranted about this to you before i don't believe in new years resolutions.
why the hell would an arbitrary day warrant making life changing changes.
January first my ass.
Now Daylight Saving Day.. it doesn't get less arbitrary than that.
especially when it is non-arbitrarily changed by our loving government.
so.
life changing day is upon us.
Here are the goals (tell me if you think i'm biting off more than i can chew... (remember though, i have a large, sensuous mouth):
1) Begin exercising again.. not necessarily running until it gets nice out and i don't have the "it's too cold to run" excuse available... if i can do 1/2 hour a day i'll be rather grinny
2) Smoke Less.. no.. i'm not quitting, but i'll get it down to... say four MAX a day aside weekends with at least one day no-smoking
3) Eat Better.. what's the point of exercising if you eat as bad as i do? i'm not going to make any specifics on this one so there is more chance i do it.. but let's try and avoid days like today where i had salsa combos and oreos for lunch and basically a deep fried potato for dinner
4) Write Something Four Days a Week. Shit. There are five blogs i contribute to.. i should have something to say on at least one of them a day.
5) Play one of the guitars or piano every weekday. how can i justify having four guitars and a bass in here if i don't play 'em. and that piano? when is the last time i've touched that... plus i have furtherance sitting there begging me to work on it.. god, i'm a lazy piece of shit.

okay. now it's said... let's see if i do it.

lesson of the day

The penthouse sucks. I'm on the 26th floor and my shower would have more water pressure if i rinsed under a one quart watering can.

my personal hell

Oh Horror,
Oh Tragedy.

My own personal hell.

Here i am locked in this metal tube 36,000 feet above the cursed earth and what comes into my company?

My bane,
My archenemy
My kryptonite

The Banana

Arg Fuck, not a single, yellow, demon fruit...
not two or six in the fourty feet of this business class cabin. But Dozens, maybe hundreds.

Oh Horror,
Oh Travesty.


For those unawae, the scent of this ethylene spewing monstrosity has been known to make me feel ill. Hell, a single discarded peel, hidden away, used, browning and decomposing the the lower corner of a little black garbage can 200 yards from my present location has been known to throw me into fits, fights against my own gag reflex.

And here i am. Locked in this little metal tube, filled with recycled air and overwhelmed with the repulsive scent of thousands of these dastardly, pale, textureless fingers of monkey love. God, there are enough in this plane to completely cover your average sized wheelchair ramp.

Close my eyes.
Try not to breathe.
Turn up that little aeroplane air jet as high as it goes. keep the smell moving past my delicate nostrils.
Pray for a speedy flight and in the same breath, curse the god that allowed this torture.
Laugh at this cosmic joke as i choke on your own bile.

the most defeated

I just saw the most defeated man in the world.

How do you spot him you ask?

Look for the man slouched in front of the urinal for much too long, his
head at a right angle to his body. the man willing his member to drop
forth a couple more mils of liquid and give him another bless'd second
away from his desk... god, I think he is praying that said liquid
doesn't come from his eyes first.

He was so sad and pathetic looking... like a chastised childe standing
in the corner regretting not what he had done but that he was caught.

Do that man a favor and fire him.

(note: this was actually another guy at work.. this is not me writing in
the third person)