glenda is not a good witch

Portion of email from my buddy miso:
good news for miso....smelly old guy downstairs is moving
out...hurray!!!! no more gangster movies at full blast at 3 am
scaring me out of bed because i hear gunfire, no more stolen bikes, no
more feral cats on the porch, no more pisshead 9 yr olds knocking on
my door at all hours, and no more checking to see if the old guy with
pneumonia and diabetes is dead to avoid dead old guy stench from
drifting through the heat ducts!!! hurray!!!!

my reply:
yay departure of crazy old guy.. maybe you'll have a rock band move in down stairs or some crazy old lady that thinks you are her daughter even though her daughter died from choking on a trisket when she was six and anyway because she thinks youa re her daughter she leaves everything she owns to you which is surprisingly rather substantial.. you see she is the widow of the guy who invented midol (and god knows what a necessity that is to our society) and regardless of many male's refusal to gointo a red apple or stewarts to pick it up for their current sex bunny or female acquaintance the product has sold quite well over the years not to mentionthe fact that the old lady is rather crazy, having lived through the depression and all and being forced to lick lead based wall paint for simple sustenance which wall paint is rather high in surprisingly primarily due to the shear amount of insect fecal matter that accumulates on them, especially during the depression where vacuums were but a distant dream.
ah dream dream dream..
alas she is crazy and lives on a diet of trisket and peanut butter and is known to gnaw down two or three civil war figurines (you see, they are made out of lead and i guess all those years of chewing baseboards created some long strange addiction) a day.
pooooor glenda, you see her name is glenda which was a major kick in the head when the wizard of oz first be came popular you see.. because she wasn't a mean person but in no means was good (sexually, she was a hellcat, even in old age having done the horizontal mambo with the entire buena vista social club and a bit of in the bed disco with the beegees immediately after the gogos... (she has a weird perversion with repetition and rhyming.. Don't ask me she's crazy)) so when the wizard of oz came out all her acquaintances and parole officers began to refer to her as "Good Witch Gelenda" and boy that pissed her off.. well it wasn't her fault but the parole officer did have it coming, he did call her G Witchie Poo, and he did get to see his internal organs become external which once again, he did deserve. Alas while in court for suspected murder which of course could not be proved as the jury was made of complete morons and glenda (at one time before gravity took over (which was probably around the time that she got Rush Limbaugh addicted to pain killers in response to a rather intimate injury from an intimate position that no one of their age should be video taped in) had a huge rack) while leaving the courthouse started making out with a guy in the hallway because he wore a name tag that said Hello my Name is {heart}... she thought hat was cool and he was wearing a rather thick layer of carmex and she was not and her lips were dry and incidentally did i mention that he invented midol? well he is dead now and she is not but she is abit crazy and is moving in below you so that will be great because when she kicks off due to a rather unfortunate event involving singing in the rain you will assume all of her assets and finally get a chance to sleep for an entire night without worrying if there is someone in your closet (because you've hired Hugo the large Trinadadian immigant to watch the door .. at least thats what you think he is doing.. he doesnt speak much english but he does walk around with out a shirt on a lot and that gives you pleanty of opportunity to chuckle inwardly at his disformed third nipple which has an uncanny resemblance to the State of Idaho.. which makes you laugh more... idaho... i da ho.. hahahah)
well good luck with glenda and hugo and Hello My name is {heart}.. please dont forget me in yoru new found glory
--m

no i don't do drugs

ovarian Tribulations

i wouldnt trade my testicles for the world...
brit came in last night through some mircle (she was supposed to leave boston at 730pm and i got a call at 740 saying that the flight was delayed and chances are she would be rescheduled for the 1am flight (opportunity to get fubared?? YES!) but then she called frantically relaying that she was getting on a plane only 20 mins late so all was saved) anyway.. we talked (thats what we do) and drank copious amounts of cheap french wine (which we are also known for--and as an aside (because there are not enough parenthetical references in my blogs) i heart george deboeuf.. the mofer makes great wines chuggable... his beaujoiules (i took spanish okay?!) is to die for or from.. soo good) (note i forgot how many closing parens are requisit now so foff!)))))))
anyway point of blog: ovaries... they make you do weird things... here is a girl self described as a lazy mofer that is willing to spend upwards of 30 mins applying a small country worth of face additives... seriously must have been ten bottles of this shit.. it made me dizzy... and this is prior to going to bed.. i mean once i decide that i am going to pass the f out i go to said area of sleeping and pass the f out.. i mean, i cannot be bothered to take out my contacts and there she is applying antigravity creme (i swear! there is shit labeled "anti-gravity creme".. very sci fi eh?) at three in the morning after the ingestion of a couple bottles of wine... now she is back in the bathroom doing it all over again!
yeah, i have an extra 2 hrs in my day that i can dedicate to appying things that are dissapearing into my skin... i've rarely spend this much time making up myself for halloween!
argfuck..
its still hilarious..
but my tummy is rumbly and i am afraid i will be waiting for another 6 layers of unidentified substance to be applied to her face before we're allowed to venture forth to eat...
sweet christ...

damn.. i forgot about hair drying..

maybe i should just make dinner reservations now..

(this blog is dedicated to people who wake up beautiful like myself (ie throw on deoderant and some tooth scrubbing and are immediately ready to grab life by the gonads))

the Red room and the Black dog

unrelated i assure you...
so i'm smoking in the courtyard for the uncountableth time and i notice something .. there is huge apt building about a block away, blocking out the majority of the western sky... and there, about 6 floors up is a window, emitting only red light... in retrospect i think i've noticed this a couple times before but it was now that i began thinking about what kinda person limits themselves to red light all the time... a photographer? a satanist? someone really fucking colorblind? i dont know.. im over it.. but it will prolly reappear in posts later as i come up with new possibilities of the deranged lunatic that lives a block away...
so my roommate is dogsitting this week.. which means i inherently am.. i like it.. ive always had dogs when i lived with my parents and now realize that maybe owning a dog is a life aspiration.. i had a funny commentary about owning dogs but im tiredly uncreative and i would rather limit this blogoogogog to humor.. (i know i've been failing at it recently, im pretty sure that brit's appearance will inspire me fully)..
alas alack write me back

where oh Where?

on a drafting table
in a trunk

     going 90 on 96
kitchen table
someone elses kitchen table
someone elses bathroom counter
     while they are home
abandon tents in the woods
parking garage
     in the middle of the day
behind a movie screen
     during a movie
in cinderella's castle
in reseach forest's parking lot

--
¡♠U

Who need Eyebrows.. not youngen 

i dont feel liek rotating it, but the premise is take a beer case, drink out its insides, light one end on fire and put the other end on your head.. i feel like we should all have a drink for skidz and weeble for this priceless picture 

Its oneAM, we're drunk yet somehow we are able to construct nav lights for the boat: ingredients: plastic cups, flashlights, water bottle and a bandana 

don't Subject me to this

so i am sitting here waiting for the weekend to arrive or some damn email, when i realized how funny my inbox is (not a sexual reference.. i have no inbox)..  at least it is funny to me..

HILARIOUS...

anyway.. here is basically every subject in there except for a couple reminding me to pay loans or check out the newest products on amazon..

fuck amazon... anyway .. on with the show

 

languid lamentations of legume like lepers
cubist buddhist: not so soft
cliche but still a bit humorous
Behold her felate my boy big wang like a vacuum and get strained in the end
pretties.  
fireflies and rattlesnakes
you should be a happy yogi
yogi happy yogi laugh
It's made of people
 i love her somehow
quit eating the paste
our next guest can jump rope with his small intestines
201 reasons to be happy...
Re: Toast in the Post
Memorial Day Weekend Shyte in Saratoga Springs 
that worked poorly via phone
the voices....oh man, the voices
you get work done?
sql as in where?!?
holy naked muppets, batman!!
bob barker very well may be a puppy licker
remembering what is lost
shovel glove
get me this job...
elegant elephants elope in eurasia
monday sunshine leads to tuesday rain 
heaven.  
bemused and confused and obtuse
leather Clad Eyelids
Plan for today and horror of yesterday and dreams of the day before
ta ta's
sleeping rather than talking
or this one.
 yo soy un matador
Organic Soybean Petrochemical
a note from boobie-lovers annonymous...
An Excercise in Sanity
fuzzy wuzzy was an axe muderer.
New Market Intelligence Centers
Waste silly string rules.
dolt.  
liptons cup o' noodles
mess-ed up mess-age
alive cabrone?
Beware of God, may bite
herbaceously longing
el lonely boy
 Re: Your Friend Sent You a Lick From IFILM.com
i like pop tarts
You have one $595,000. Visit our website to claim  (this is actually an email i composed to brit.. not your run of the mill spam)
 running through the sprinklers is underrated.
Sansom Brown ALe
Now we know why pastey was cuddling with a certain person at seis de mayo
3 o clock 4 o clock...
tequila hates me 
The Dark Crystal Muppets take over a 7/11
congenital Loss of Limbs 
It's pretty much the best weekend
bike-a-thon to support liver eaters.
a bad hair day due to humidity? 
Lemon-Lime Hillbillies
now who's the corporate tool

--
¡♠U

irony?

so i work with older people
the youngest guy i work with is 40...
i dont have people my own age to hang with..
solution: go to a bar tongith and get wrecked (with a high markup) with people my own age...
porblem wiht solution: i end up spending the night reminiscing with a 77 year old about the good old days for 2 hrs..
fuck
dont get me wrong.. im such a whore for affection now that i was happy to do it...
it just makes me what to eat my own brain until i die..
alas... irony

.. hellp...

lifeInverted

so i just wrote a few hundred words about depression (actually explained lifeInverted a bit).. beautiful verse that was a waste of twenty minutes... then i decided that publishing it out would allow it to exist.. that whole tagline: reality is 99%... blah blah blah.. so ignore what you feel, think what you want to feel and bam.. you feel it..
more like baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam (it takes a while)
so i want to go out drinking.. it is thursday...
better than monday and tuesday where i said the same thing... god knows it's the four hrs of law and order that are keeping me from doing it..
arg...
um so..
happy thoughts
happy thoughts..
this weekend is to Upstate to camp with skidz, a guy i formerly hated (we lived together) and last time i saw him i was punched in my precious gonads twice, his girlfriend and my roommate.. (btw, that guy is actually one of my best friends)... should be fun, i love camping love outside love drinking love fire... i dotn konw why the thought of it isn't making me quiver with excitment yet. there is something wrong deep.. alas.. anyway back to happy thoughs
then just four little days of work and brit is flying in... i cannot wait... i want to spend the longest weekend of my life with her.. something about her makes me feel uncomfortably comfortable and im assuming the only time we won't be talking is during the moments laughing at stupid people around us...
god i can't wait... still maybe it's the temporal expanse before then, but it hasnt brightened my disposition yet..
(haha, this comedian just said ". . . and then you'd have a sheep full of dead ducks . . .")
anyway... life will rawk
days will roll
and ill have luck
after this lull

high Opinions of perverts

i heart spam. now that i am again checking my email enough that it doesn't drowned out my real email it is actually a welcome respite from the reminders to pay my student loans and somewhat coherent ramblings of acquaintances... so i get one today that is just fin poetic... for porn.. yes, apparently some marketingf out there thought maybe there is another way to get lonely men to visit their website other than using the phrase "horny sluts"...
anyway, now that ive piqued your interest:
(note i've italicized the parts that dont seem to be in line with normal spam)

Subject: Behold her felate my boy big wang like a vacuum and get strained in the end.

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
Bonjour.

She had her first anal sect with a shocking black johnny and it left her with a huge gaping gee-gee !

[insert web address for geegee here]

Many people love in themselves what they hate in others.

Cherry loved getting that black pole inserted way deep up inside her and she moaned and groaned as her pussy got hammered real!

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

She's a tight nympho who says she was born to penetrate.

What's more enchanting than the voices of young people, when you can't hear what they say?
A bureaucrat is a person who cuts red tape sideways.

yeah so i would have loved to see the guy (i imagine ron jeremy) composing this thing with a quotable quotes book on one knee and the latest hustler on the other...

alas.. if i knew what the world was coming to i would be there already (haha)

blah fuck

dont really have anything fun to say... i feel like i usually do... regardless of how i actually feel... thats one of the thing chinatowngirl hates/loves about me... she thinks im the happiest person in the world..
giggle.
alas, act how you want to feel and you eventually will.
fuck eventually.. i think i need something faster acting...
writing? bourbon? painting?
im going with B...
i need something.
having trouble feigning happiness recently except in short doses.. usually when around strangers.
maybe i havent surrounded myself with enough strangers...
then again, i havent exactly surrounded myself with familiars...
who the fuck knows..

Promise the next post will fondle your cockles and you will love it.

love me.

perpetual soul twin?

so a friend of mine is coming to visit. flying down from boston in fact, saw her about 6 months ago and before that 5 years. over the last year we make it a pact not to talk more than once every three months.. its a very odd relationship because there has never been anyone i felt close to in this way.
anyway.. this is not entertaining in any way other than we talked for 2 hrs tonight for no reason while in real life i cannot seem to hold more than a 4 line interchange with what appears to be a perfectly balanced interesting individual that i do not already know everything about... i need some sort of therapy..


btw i think i found my undiagnosed malady.. i used to think it was ADD or dyslexia (not that i am necessarily ruling out either) but now i believe its aspergers syndrome ... read up, masses
Asperger description..
also rather unrelatedly.. im listening to Hum right now.. my first musical love.. and prolly the band i loved the longest exclusivly... and infact im listening to my favorite song, "Suicide Machine" (really not as downery as it may sound by the title) and there is a verse in it: and we break off, gently its the motion, spinning outward into space, and my hands always firmly gently at the wheel while you sweetly hold my face.
i need you to give it meaning, i need you to share the view


i love hum still

ranting on leg use and anti-ranting on roommates

rant part: Fucking hell. ive been dealing with this for a while now and because of my suddened and rather extreme desire to just drive somewhere and see how starting over feels i think i almost snapped today.
im at my little cube like area, laptop frantically running behind me desktop threatening the fourth blue screen in a week. phone rings.. wait that wasnt jsut one phone... it was two???
m-[insert my name here] Downs (when i must refer to my employer i will uses this pseudonym) IE
boss1 (heretofore to be refered to as Rawker) -i think these numbers look strange
[note at this point i hear him through the phone and speaking into his speaker phone about 12 feet away
m-{confused by .5 second delay between him bellowing in the office and through the reciever} okay, how are they weird
rawker-they just dont look right
m-okay ill look into that
rawker-good
m-bye
rawker-dial tone

okay.. if you didnt get it, he is calling me from 12 feet away using the speaker phone.. am i not worth the 6 steps to talk face to face?
or even better (and more common.. i think it happend 2x today)
{ring}
m-[insert name here] Downs IE
rawker -{via speakerphone} can you come into my office.
m-{disbelief} okay..
arg..

now the anti rant..
so my roommate is nuts.. in a good way.. she makes at all kinds of weird times and tongiht she made some blueberry cake thing and brought it over on a plate with icecream and a strawberry.. i put a picture on flickr lifeInverted on Flickr.. it was good.. i really dont understand how i got so lucky with this chick... check out her feet while you are there..


alas alack i want to go back

isms are bad!(?)

i have so many weird experiences and random thoughts (that i find funny) running through my highwire mind right now that this post is fed from the get go...
a quick note on fed
so ive been exchanging emails with geographically diverse friends frequently at work recently.. (i know.. they dont pay me for that.. but in reality, anything i do there im pretty sure they own the rights to... and if they sold it as a sitcom or sketch show im sure the profits would outvalue my meager wages) and as we all are at work we try and refrain from my one in five word exclamation: fuck (or any derivative of the beauty).. thus our emails are chock full of
fed
fing
motherfer
and ffffff (as pastey points out.. not a hex color [white i think, right?[)
any way back to the fed post.. (maybe these thoughts will stay in my head for a longer period than normal (ie 20 mins) and i can actually have something to say for a few days in a row...) so ill ignore the random thoughts like blog voyeurism and falling in love with a person shearly through their posts and ignore the weirder moments like exgirlfriends stopping by with their new boyfriend who very well may be a serial killer, or seeing my boss loaded at a baseballgame and him offering to go pick up some chicks for me and braincube {shudder!} and get to my night of last night which actually has something to do with the post title..
so my roommate calls me in the afternoon yesterday...
Setting: Walking down the Walnut Drunk at about 3... still wearing clothes from the night before,(that were slept in) unshowered unshaved reeking of beer...
{phone rings}
m-helloooo, whaddfuckyouwan?
ale- matt?
m-HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ale, waddup?
a-hey you want to go to dinner tonight?
m-dinnerfooddinner?
a-yeah, its free! my boss gave me two tix cause she couldnt go
m-freedinner?
a-yes Matthew.
m-wat timeEe?
a 5:30, 17th and arch..
m-okie dokie bitchie!

setting 5:50 17th and arch... me, shaven showered, more sober..
m-hey you guys!!! (chunkesque)
a-its just me here.
m-nevermind
a-so matt... (doe eyes)
m-. . .
a-now this is because you didnt ask...
m-{removed cigarette from pack}
a-but this dinner is for an organization called "women's way"
m-{springloaded lighter flys from my wrist, instantaneously lighting my cigarette and nicotine floods by bloodstream.}
a-it wont be that bad and i owe you
m-(nico nico nicotine tine nico nico nico tinetine)
a-and its $90 a plate and you dont have to pay.
m-{evaluation of feminists' racks begins}

ok.. so i wasn't so crass as to lable what i was doing as "evaluating racks" but when you are one of 10 men in a group of 1300 women and have very little to say to anyone around you you observe the environment... plus just the inherent humor of mentally objectifying women in a womyn power demonstration is just so... funny...
alas.. it was a great presentation... soo many passionate, eloquent people... i did enjoy it and got a lot out of it...

but... here is my feeling... although i appreciate what their goals were and (once again) their passion for equality, in reality they were attempting to give special opportunities to a singular group. I dislike that in theory although i am not so naive as to believe that it's not something (unfortunately) necessary in our current society. if i was part of any minority (are agnostic jew catholics a minority? prolly not, as all jew catholics are prolly agnostic) i would HATE the perception (or action) of special treatment or being favored simply because of my membership in a group whose only prerequisite is ovaries or pigmentation. i want to feel that i got somewhere or something purely on my own merits.. and i would HATE almost as much others perception (real or imagined) that i arrived in my situation for reasons other than my merit. i truely believe everyone would be more equal if we didnt actively favor a group to assure they're equal. Arg. but i'm on the outside looking in, i dont pretend to know what it is like and i dont find fault in the people themselves, just my interpretation of the whole societal influence that these things cause...
side note: when i was first hired fulltime, my boss went through 7 months of red tape and moving other staff around so the had room to hire a white male (even though i had interned with them for 2 years, everyone wanted me to work there [bad] and i brought skills to the company that they were unable to find elsewhere).. yeah.. everynow and again it sucks to lack pigment and have a dick..

pinking droblem

it's weekend like this that make me question the projected lifespan of my liver.
Pastey, finding himself without companionship in his domicile thought visiting phili could be more enjoyable than sitting alone in a cave like apartment for the entire weekend.. (a short note on word choice... i felt like cavern would have been a better sounding word but i believe that gives the impression of an expansive place... which it is not).. anyway, so he decides to make the journey to phili and projects his arrival at 9... so i take the offer of my roommate to go celebrate the end of a friends job at a Mexican place...
Waitress: what can i get you.. margarita?
m: FUCK TEQUILA.. FUCK IT IN THE POOPER!
Waitress: beer maybe?
m: dos equis?
Waitress: Si, {indistinct word} or {indistinct word}
(authors note: i have no idea what she said, so true to form i smiled like an idiot and nodded)
Waitress: adios
moments later returns with a beer of comparable size to my left leg... mmm.. beer

uno dos equis
dos dos equis
tres dos equis

finish dinner, go to another bar.
mmm beer
(heretofore, lager= normal human sized beer)
uno lager
dos lager
tres lager
quatro lager
at this point i realized pastey should be arriving shortly and due to my recent hiatus from beer im seeing the signs of retardedness appearing in my speech and movements...
walk up to where he should be arriving.
not there
coincidently there is a bar like 1/2 block away.

uno red ale
uno IPA
dos red ale

pastey arrives
back to bar

uno miller lite
uno soco shot

i know.. lets go back to our place and drink cheap liquor.

arrive at casa de amor

uno bourbon
uno sansom brown ale
dos bourbon
tres bourbon

basically this continued for a while, i was fucked, passed out at some point.. woke up started drinking beer within 1/2 hr of ocular activation, then bourbon beer bourbon then to the bars around midnight, a couple guinesses, then back home bourbon sleep.. now sunday afternoon back to bourbon..

this wasn't nearly as interesting as it seemed in my mind..
fuck that
enjoy your day

response to argument for procreation

Response to my dialogue from the girl now named "Stumpy":

actually, the conversation was more like:
<all done in thick asian accent>
mother: ooh, new baby!
father: hmm, our first baby in america.
mother: we call her "america"
father: or "ameca" (author's note: I actually know a girl from psu named
ameca)
mother: how about "amere"?
father: no, that sounds like hip hop artist who dressed like ho and
makes millions of dollars. she must be doctor or engineer!
mother: we will call her "doctor who will take care congenital absence
of one or more limbs"

later that afternoon at the birth registration office...

father: we name her "doctor who will take care congenital absence of one
or more limbs"
registrar: what? I can't understand what you're saying? congenital
absence of one or more limbs?? oooh, you mean, amelia? okay, how do
you spell that? a-m-e-l-i-a? perfect!

The Dark Crystal Muppets take over a 7/11

welcome to friday, ill be your concierge for the trip, id like you to notice emergency exits at both the fore and the aft of the day and please keep you hands and feet inside the day throughout the entire rotation of the earth.&nbsp; Drinks will be served shortly.
--sumoShogunXI
¡♠U

argument for having children

So I’m at work now and recently sent one of my dataminers the definition of ameliorate, my nickname for her (it was the world of the day on dictionary.com)… she responded with the definition of her real name, Amelia: A Congenital absence of one or more limbs… I find stuff like this hilarious.. and now I realize the real reason anyone ever has kids… its not just because of the desire to continue on ones blood lines (go crips) but its for the complete power and experimental freedom one gets with the addition of a dependant…

Mother: “oh isn’t she cute”

Father: “yeah, I cant believe we have a child”

Mother: “wanna mess with her?”

Father: “sure? She’s just a baby”

Mother: “come on, that’s the whole point of having a kid (it’s definitely not the labor!)… we have complete control over this little one, whenever before were you able to really screw with someone and have no repercussions?”

Father: “wow honey, that’s pretty sick”

Mother:

Father: “Rock! Let’s name her after disfigurement!”

Mother: “sweet, I was thinking we could name her Clubfoot or Hairlip”

Father: “nice, but it just doesn’t roll off your tongue.. you have to be able to say “Hairlip, go play in traffic” smoothly.. those names just don’t work”

Mother: “Leper?”

Father: “No”

Mother: “Scoliosis?”

Father: “that’s pretty good…”

Mother: “Limbless Wonder?”

Father: “I really like that one!”

Mother: “Sweet, now how can we shorten it?”

Father: “hmm”

Mother: “Lets make her believe in the Easter Bunny and Toothfairy ‘til she’s 25…”

Father: “I’ve got it: AMELIA: Congenital absence of one or more limbs..”

Mother: “beautiful.. now lets get started on making her afraid of clowns….”

not how mother used to make

i think ive convinced my phileople (phili people...) that i am a master chef. i'm not, i've just got lucky a few times when i'm cooking for them.
tonight was a nice little reminder that i am no chen konichi..
i started barbecuing a pork loin.. (haha loin) and subsequently forgot that i was barbecuing. i attribute it to lack of sleep.
so yeah.
i ended up 40 minutes later with what appeared to be a black phallus that tasted more like the cooking medium than the eating medium.
arg.

sustance just the same.

i think one of the reasons i started posting again was the acquisition of this little laptop... having to leave (shit, i just saw a commercial for "nick and jessicas tour of duty"... more like tour of dooty... ) the tv or the stove or the fish to post was just too much effort.. so now i can watch lost and post simultaneously.
well this is ramblerific.
ill prolly go through a posting binge like i did last time.. so bare with me as i write too much for anyone to care.

lost and found

back.
four month hiatus.
new life.
all those old self pitying dialogues deleted.
set it back to public.
time to begin anew.